Originally Posted by
dandylion 
growingstronger….I am glad to hear that you and your husband are seeing therapists. Is this for individual therapy....as, in you seeing individual therapists.....or....marriage therapy....? are these therapists helping you to understand how to deal with your son in specific ways?
The reason that I ask is that it is not acceptable, at all, for your son to be allowed to be disrespectful to you or his dad.
Yes...it does sound like he needs more treatment....like AA and therapy....and possibly that he may have dual diagnosis....many alcoholics do have a dual diagnosis and they need to be treated for the alcoholism and anything else, simultaneously....
Since he is 24yrs. old....you don't have control over him, any more...but you do have some power!
You have the power to set boundaries....And, boundaries are the only thing that will give you any peace of mind and protect you from being emotionally/verbally abused by him.
Both you and your husband may need more help from the therapists to help you learn this kind of boundary setting with an adult child....Alanon is a good place to learn how to set boundaries.....
Some examples are....Do not talk to him on the phone, if he is being disrespectful, to you. That includes answering e-mails or texting.
Do not welcome him to your home, for visits..... if he is behaving in disrespectful or negative ways....
To the extent that he is behaving in disrespectful ways, to you...and getting by with it....your are enabling him....even if you have never thought of it this way....
This is damaging to him (and you)…..it is not loving...
I know that this probably goes against all of your parental instincts...and will probably be hard for you to do, at first....
I am delighted to hear that he is not living in your house and that he has a job and is not dependent on you for money/survival. You are so lucky, in that respect!! That would make things sooo much more difficult and full of conflict, if that were the case...…
Never, ever, let him move back into the family home for more than a few days (for a visit, etc.)….for adult children with "problems"...that is a guaranteed formula for disaster.....
Please, don't think that I am saying not to love your son.....You will always love him, no matter what....but, sometimes, a parent has to learn to love from a distance for their and your own good.....
I have been through this, myself...so I am saying all of this from experience....
Do you happen to carry him on your insurance, since he is 24yrs. old?
You are so right on everything you said. He was better than he is now, I am not sure what really changed in his life but something did. I do know he needs help and I have encouraged it- he is adamant that it is dumb and not needed. He became verbally abusivie when I told him I did not agree with him and his girlfriends decisions. I told him I was not jiudging and acccepted his choices as his own. I just wanted him to know I did not agree. They had brought the conversation to me. I was never angry - but he was.
I believe he does well until life happens with events that he can’t control. Then he does not know what to do and he goes back to his old coping skills - just without alcohol.
He is still on our insurance, why do you ask?
I thank you for your words- I needed them.