Hi everyone- the party was absolutely amazing and I was buzzed with gratitude and love well into yesterday. I cannot explain how much joy I felt, having real, true friends around me and having an amazing time sober. It was the best birthday of my life, truly. I was trying to think about all of the years I spent drinking on my birthday and I was wondering what on earth did I talk about to the people around me when I was so wasted? It couldn't possibly compare to the other night. We were all on a higher plane- the vibration in the house was so high, my friends were commenting on how tranquil the house felt. My one friend even sang a song on the guitar for us, at my request (he is about to write his second album.) I had 5 friends come - 2 I have know for 5+ years and the other 3 I met at my spiritual class earlier this year. I can say I have found "my people" and I almost feel like it isn't real- I can't explain it. I never thought this would happen.
It was a miracle. I have changed so much in the last year and attracted so much positivity into my life, sometimes it doesn't feel real.
The food was great too and it was the first time I wasn't tempted to binge after everyone left. I was fullfilled emotionally so there was no need for more food. My keto dessert turned out well and it did not cause cravings either.
Having said that, I did binge my face off all day yesterday. I knew I would- I was exhausted from the late night and the cortisol really affects my hunger hormones. So I feel pretty bad today and I have to work these next 3 days. I know part of me was also reacting to taking my son to the pool yesterday for the first time this summer. It was anxiety provoking as I compared myself to every other woman there and I was so self conscious of my stomach which has more fat on it this year than it did last. I hate it. I want so badly to accept my body and I am still struggling with this.
I kept saying the serenity prayer and it helped but it didn't take the shame and anxiety away completely.
I am off to the gym to burn through some of this sugar I feel floating around my blood. I am sure if I tested my blood sugar right now it would be off the rails high.
I work from 11-7 so I won't have time to focus on my imperfections at least. I just want to stop caring so much about what my body looks like.