It always hurts to find out someone you cared about isn't what you thought they were.
Confusion is almost always about a fear we are not willing to face. In all the recovery literature, it talks about the 12 steps. This might be a really good time to visit them - not to judge yourself but to free yourself.
What do you fear that keeps to connected to such an obviously "emotionally unavailable" man? Addicts are incapable of true relationship and after the fighting starts it just gets worse.
I would like to suggest that it would be more productive to find out something about yourself and how to accomplish what is important to you - and then think about who you want to be with.
And - maybe think about how it is that you "love" this man so much after such a history of back and forth, lies, drugs, fighting, etc. Relationships are hard, but they are not supposed to be THAT hard. Healthy relationships happen when 2 people care as much about the other as they do themselves, have healthy boundaries and good interpersonal skills. Sounds like this relationship has been missing all three since it began.
Work on you and you'll find all the love you need to share a life with someone who is capable of the same.
All the best.