allishope73

Hello folks ... i found this web and found this soo helpful .... i started using alcohol beer to self medicate major traumas and losses ... anxiety and depression ... since first binge i attended gp as knew i was an alcoholic ... studied addiction at university ... irony of life ... studied theories and did very well was working in field with the most chaotic young females... crisis interventions harm reduction after years burn out ... running on cortisol and adrenaline got ill ... i was 42 had good life but was unhappy ... it took me two years before being accepted to groupwork as during assesment i was told i never met cryteria ... i presented well that time articulate confident knowing it all ... perfectionist as most of us ...in September split from co dependent 14 years marriage ... he left .. i m on sick ... with no resources ... alone with no family he was my family ... and with no safety and belonging .... no money ... imprisoned in the house over winter going through loss and grief ... and i quit straight away but made week two and lapsed ... tried by myself ... eventually got to groups loved that but never went over paws ... was so impatient ... addiction spirralled ...every lapse worse ddtos ...every lapse could not function crying drinking sleeping as insomnia hit me from September ... also every lapse taught me a lesson it was a process ... so my last lapse ended yesterday ... i m detoxing now i made first 24 hours ... and i m changing strategy towards recovery ... instead of trying to fix unfixable i decided to accept all the losses and difficulties and only focus on recovery ... i registered to this page ... i made up decision attending every day some sort of therapeutic place like recovery cafe or group or aa mtg ... and if tired just to rest ... i know the triggers ... boost and crash trying to change unchangable ... get depressed anxious boom ... i found some of aa staff wise ... like acceptance and surrender .... first time in life i surrender ... for a fixer its difficult but i can see its only way .... and take one day a time .... rest tools i pray i learn through process and hope pass paws ... it seems after it will be easier ...for years exercise was my healthy coping but i got bad knees overworked through years and now still attending gym ... but need to take it easy ... its not easy to accept though ... however i realised it is a matter of Life and Death ... if i do not change approach it will be death ...i reached end of the line... cannot drink body had enough ... mind had enough ... soul ehhh... probably it is last stage as i cannot function on beer .... and i struggle to function without but deffinitely function better without ... so whole day was reading and making plan ... changing only what i can change ... rest ...i let go as stress worry would kill me and trigger lapse.... i will write my patterns one day... how it started what underlied .... but today i am sober alone again at home but managed to stop...lets bring another day and new strategy ... thank you for being ... its awesome web ... inspiring informative and giving hope