Originally Posted by eyes99

We went through this with our daughter, and it is truly horrible. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. The pain can be crushing.

1) your daughter is a rockstar. I am so proud of her, and I don’t even know her! What an amazing thing to do - it takes so much courage to pursue your attackers. She is a true survivor. I am just amazed that at 16 she had the strength to do this. Incredible, and kudos to you for raising such a warrior.

2) this is the hard one. This is not about you. Nothing about this scenario is about you or your feelings. It’s about your daughter. It is so easy for us to get focused on our pain and how we feel. But you didn’t experience the traumatic event - she did. So yes, you’re having pain now, but it’s because of your empathy for your daughter. You are not the one that suffered here, she is. I know that you know that, but it was difficult for me sometimes to separate myself from my daughter and let her drive the bus. It also can be a “good” excuse to drink/use if we let ourselves see ourselves as victims. She isn’t a victim - she’s a survivor. And witnessing her pain doesn’t make you a victim either.

3) I mentioned it in 2, but this is her bus to drive. In my family’s case, it was essential to my daughter’s healing that she controlled all of her decisions after the fact. We gave advice, perspectives, and support, but that was it. It was tempting for me to jump in and try to fix everything, but you can’t. She’s powerful, and she has to remember that, or re-find her power within. You can remind her, but in our experience, our daughter needed to be able to wrest control back for herself.

Good luck, mama. You have got this. And again, I am so, so sorry for your daughter and for you. Sending love your way.