Mum, I've gone through similar pain myself as a father.
But I have to say that you keep choosing to pick up again and drink, even with all the evidence that your family and your true self want you to stay sober.
Instead of dwelling in this pain and suffering USE IT as leverage to finally break free. We have one life and one family. I know you can and want this, it's so obvious in your posts.
It's there for you. You just have to do the work. It's a better life on this side of the bridge - come join us finally.