Fini, people are so shellshocked just to find out I (and I presume anybody they know) have cancer—and then to say “terminal” floors them.
People tend to be really, really scared and freaked out by death.
I’m scared and freaked out by the act of dying; but the concept of death itself doesn’t bother me.
I don’t think it would bother me even if it ended in annihilation.
People who know me are sad. I feel bad that they’re sad. I want to cheer them up.
I don’t feel led to pontificate about how I’m going to a better place—quite a few people (even Christians) don’t give a rat’s ass right now about a “better place”—they are shaken and angry at losing their friend.
No deep discussion would be of use—just hanging out and having a good time.
I feel if I can suspend their brains a bit and help them forget about the death thing, it’ll break them in easier.
These are all just my theories.
So far I think I’ve got the best of both worlds: a bit of time for people to get used to the shock and accept it, yet Lord willing fast enough that nobody will have to watch me suffer long.
At least I hope that’s how it goes.
Nice that I’ve got the whole thing analyzed and planned out!
But my major strengths, both now and throughout my life, have been icebreaking, reassuring, and showing people a good time.
Now seems to be the time when those around me need it most.
Last week with that “pink cloud” of unusual supernatural grace, I was just radiating reassurance—but this weekend showed me that I can’t take that sort of magnanimity for granted.
I can’t give what I don’t have, so I won’t try to fake it—otherwise the frustration will build and build till I snap out!
But I feel that in the moments I do have it, I should give it as much as possible.
We all feel good when we use our gifts.
If and when I’m up to it, it will genuinely lift my spirits, too.
I’m a people-pleaser.
That used to be “roll-over”, knee-jerk submission to anybody at any time—but recovery has really helped me with a sense of self-worth and dignity .
Now my people-pleasing is more pure, and I hope more glorifying to God: I do it because I genuinely like to make people happy, not because I’m terrified of their rejection.
As this cancer unfolds, I plan to just do what comes naturally.
If I can give, I will.
If not, I’ll just stay to myself.
These are my resolutions. I’m working it all out as I write.
Thank you guys so much for being my sounding board!