Smilax

So... I don't know if this is a very positive or a very negative thread. I guess it's both. Long post sorry need to vent. But please read if you have the time.

So I stopped daily drinking back on March 22 of this year. That was my last day I had anything after tapering off. Then in the months that followed I began to do a lot of personal emotional work. I've been trying to force myself to open up with friends. expand my comfort zones, get out there and live. I've told people here multiple times but the long and short of it was that I lived an extremely emotionally isolated life till I was 32. I'm 36 now. I fell off the wagon back on June 9 when I had a bottle of wine and 2 beer, and again today. Why? I guess the emotional load I've been under. Although a lot of it is in the service of good progress. So to give you an idea what I've done in the past oh, 3 months or so...

*I've been seeing an individual therapist and really opening up to her. Being vulnerable and open in my sessions with her. Not holding back tears etc.

*I've been opening up to friends a LOT more about everything in my head. Being vulnerable with them as well, on a different level of course. Not hiding my struggles. But I'm also forcing myself to hang out with them as much as I can. Seek comfort from them when I need it. My traditionally isolationist self doesn't do that kind of thing but over the past several years I've learned to. I've accelerated this recently.

*I got my full drivers licence after failing the test 3 times (here in Canada is real ordeal to get)

*I've been under a LOT of work stress having to basically help manage 2 retail stores while already being burned out at work. Having to hire new people and train them for a store that's not even mine. Having my staff be stressed out and listen to their problems. They are all my friends too so I do so as a friend but it's added stress. Just a LOT of daily exhaustion from work stress. I REALLY need a vacation and I have 2 weeks saved up but it seems impossible to take amid the staffing shortage I'm dealing with.

*I've been much more truthful with my father about how I feel about things with him. I could write a whole other post this length about my family. The are loving but smothering an enabling. I guess I've started to be more assertive, forceful, and even a little short tempered in my language with them. But truthful. I told my father today I feel he needs to get into therapy.

*The BIG one is I started dating. I was seeing a girl for the past month or so. I'm 36 and I've NEVER done this before lol. Had a girl come in to my store that seemed interested in me, friend of a friend. We awkwardly talked and she disengaged at one point and even said "I think I made a mistake coming here". Normally I would have cut my losses there and have been thankful for the awkwardness being over. This time I told myself *NO* You push yourself to do this. Either you complain about being alone and lonely your whole life or you do something about it! So I forced myself to reengage and the rest of the discussion went well. I asked her out later to coffee and we had 3 dates that went relatively well. I met her friends at a games night, we hung out. We talked every day via text. We definitely had a good connection as friends. But the problem is neither of us I think felt much of a spark or connection beyond that. Yesterday our last date went ok as well. I had been worried though that I wasn't feeling much on my end. And that was rather confirmed when she cut the date at the end saying she needed to go home to feed her dog. At the end last second I mentioned that the reason I had been awkward was that "this was the first time I've dated". She seemed relatively unphased by that but then added "this is awkward too but because I'm planning to move away (I knew she was) I don't think I should be dating, but I definitely still want to be friends. She said that when I had first asked her out she wasn't very sure but said yes cause she only get's asked out once every 3 years or so. She said she was worried that she was leading me on. I actually laughed quite a sigh of relief when she said that because I told her I was the one worried I was leading HER on. And in truth that's what I was worried cause I wasn't feeling it on my end but wanted to see if things would develop. Not sure if what I said about never having dated scared her away or not, but I don't think so given the other hints I had. And she DOES want to still be friends as we are still talking today. I walked away from that actually quite happy with the outcome all in all. I was torturing myself like CRAZY the past several months with "am I feeling this? Is she feeling this?" No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes. And it's just nice to have closure that ended ok for both.

But. Today I am super depressed. I honestly don't think it is directly related to things not working out with that girl because like I said things ended well enough. But maybe that was a bit of a trigger, a small one. It's just all of the above adding up. I knew by about noon today that today was going to be a real challenge not to get something to drink, and I failed.

But I'm very proud of myself for the amount of work I've put in. This has not been easy for someone who only 4 years ago lived at home with his parents and had no life what soever. I've told myself too not to let the momentum I've build up from asking that girl out to slide. I've been thinking of starting a dating profile at some point to put myself back out there. I've been alone, lonely my entire life and it's been something I've moped about but done nothing about because I lacked the courage. Those times are changing. I'm tired of having no courage. More and more I just DO. But the result is often a Mt Everest of stress, even if the result isn't bad and I learn from it and moved forward. I don't wish to go back to drinking as a regular thing. I REFUSE TO. But then depression is such a strong tide to swim against. :-(