midlife crisis
When you have that horrible realization that alcohol wasn't the problem.
Been sober since Mother's Day. Found out I was pregnant not to short there after. Interestingly, it wasn't an unplanned pregnancy but it wasn't like we (me and my spouse) were trying. I have friends who will follow their cycle, have enlisted the help of doctors while we just stopped trying to prevent pregnancy.
So, I have been sober and have not been tempted to drink. The longer I am sober the more and more I realize how unhappy I am with my marriage.
No major decisions in the first two years of sobriety.
Past drinking episodes puts me in a place where I am not allowed to feel sorry for myself as I caused much of the turmoil in my life. I need to be more forgiving and understanding.
I think of how we got together, how I felt when I was planning the wedding, how I felt after the certificate was provided to the court officials. How I came here and was wondering about my options to end the union... to have it annulled.
How I was drunk before and during this union. How we was drunk for most of it too with the exception of these past two years. It gets worse and worse every year as we all know that alcoholism is progressive. Now that I am sober, my feelings have not changed and the problems are still there. I think I was just drinking myself into a haze.
This whole situation I have gotten myself into is selfish as now there is a child involved. Feels impossible to fix.
I guess I just needed to vent or write it out. Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Guess I needed to just get it out.