Woke up today feeling strong in my decision to quit.
I've realised just how very destructive this drug has been in my life. I've been a functioning addict for 10 years, all the while holding down a job, having a young family (my pregnancies were the only times I refused to use).... to the outside world I am a respectable, professional 40 something mother of 2, the only people who've really known the true extent of my addiction are my husband (and even then there's been many occasions where I've lied to him about my usage) some using buddies I no longer see, and my dealers.
The one good thing about cocaine is that it's illegal, therefore hard to get if I delete the contacts for connects. This is what I've done, I've also got my husband to change the password on my email account where I have contacts stored, as you can reverse a deleted contact for 30 days. (so I can't access this account without him knowing)
This isn't foolproof as it doesn't stop the dealers contacting me again, and they're not stupid these coke dealers so they will often send 'updates' about new product they have in to keep the number fresh. But currently I don't have the physical means to get any even if I wanted to which should help a little in the early days.
I've done this before though, the deleting numbers thing, and it is not enough on its own, it needs the mental commitment never to use again as well.
Since I decided to quit , on the back of the coming home at 8 am and being wired in front of the children incident, I feel my relationship with my husband has got better as he knows I am trying so hard to move beyond this. I don't think he'd give me a second chance though if I went back to it - it'd create a wall between us especially now I've said I'll quit. All the while I've been using, it's been like an affair in the relationship keeping us from bonding as much as we could. I don't want to lie to him anymore. It made me feel so scummy, going off on the sly to see my abusive lover cocaine whilst my caring husband and children are at home with no idea.
So - f*** you cocaine, I am done with you!