So I went to the gig last night and I have to say, my AV was whinging the whole way through 'can't believe you didn't pick up.. it would be sooo much better if you'd had a few lines...' etc.
My friend who I went with is struggling as her partner is an alcoholic and shows no signs of trying to give up or even admit he has a problem.. she was saying 'why can't he see how much he has hurt me' and saying that their relationship was basically over, only she can't afford to move out (has a small child) and it made me feel racked with guilt over how I've treated my partner /family and put me on a bit of a downer to be honest, although an appropriate one as guilt is an entirely rational reaction in the circumstances.
Ended up texting my partner to apologise for if I'd hurt him, and he said if I was wasted all the time he would have considered leaving me, and the kids knew I was a different person when I was on one or on a comedown. And I thought gosh, I can't let this thing destroy my family any more, I'm not that far away from it really affecting my relationship with my family and my husband will leave me if it gets any worse or I go back to it.
So I have to say I didn't really have a good time at the gig with all this going on in my head.. my friend sensed something was not right and afterwards I told her a little of what I was going through. She knows I used to use a lot, and that I still do sometimes, but doesn't know the full extent of it... I don't think anyone does.
I am struggling with the concept of permanent abstinence on one level, but also thinking that in time I'll get used to the idea and the only way to free myself is to just go for it.
In time, my 'saying no' muscle will get stronger and I'll hopefully reach a point where the idea of permanent abstinence isn't so difficult.... I know I can't go back to it but my AV is really grieving, struggling, writhing with this notion. Almost like it is saying to me 'but you can't really mean it this time... you've always gone back before' . It really is struggling with the concept of 'never' today even though I've come to the conclusion that it's the only way to break free. Will this get any easier? Is it just a matter of coming to terms with my decision? (or, for my beast to come to terms with my decision)
I will try the exercise mindfulman... I totally get what you are saying about how single use leads to overuse and consequences. So hard to admit it, but the truth sets us free.