I was on the revolving door for a long time. Far too long. I think the longest I ever stayed sober was about a year, maybe a little more before I relapsed.
This last time, I really almost lost my life. Everything was spelled out in front of me and there was no more -"Well....maybe one more time."
I wouldn't survive it.
Looking back...I think the only thing that is different now as opposed to when I was trying to get sober all those other times was this time, I absolutely with out a doubt, believed I wouldn't survive another detox.
I think the rest of my program got better and a lot more honest when I just finally let go.
I can't speak for anyone else, but just for me....until I truly accepted that I was powerless, I'd never be able to stay sober. Well, what does that mean for me?
It meant that I'd keep relapsing and eventually die trying to convince myself I had another binge or bender in me.
I think what is a little bit confusing to people about the first step is the enormity of the wording ...by this time they know they are powerless and their life has become unmanageable....but that was a bit too broad and ok for me.
For me... it needed to be worded stronger....I was ok with unmanageable most of the time. What it needed to stay was I was powerless and I was dying and it would never get better until I stayed sober. That s#it made perfect sense to me.
So of course AA isn't the only way or path. Still, no matter who you are there has to be a recognition that beyond a shadow of a doubt....life will never be OK or much worth showing up for until we take the step to live a life that's sober. And believe that more than anything, that beats the hell out of living with the obsession of simply wanting to exist drunk.
Until I got that....it was like banging my head into a brick wall day after day after day.
I don't know what life is going to give me. I won't say I'll never drink again. I will say if I do -it'll probably mean I'm done being here, and it'll probably be a form of suicide. That I know for sure. That's the realization I never had before.
Let's face it folks....Sobriety is the easier way. The early days are hard....hell...the first year for me was tough...the first 15 months were still rocky...
But almost 2 and a half years in...life is absolutely beautiful. If I had a wish to give the fellow sufferer it would be one day in my shoes with how I feel now. This is all worth it.
Glad you made it back SK. Please remember...every time we go out...time gets that much harder to get back. That's the devilishness to this illness..it keeps telling you that you always have one more go at this. But it's not true.... Not everybody gets to come back.