sunny053

Hi everyone... Just wanted to check in and share how I've been going, and to hopefully reassure anyone else who is having similar feelings.

It's been 6 months since I left my ex. We were together for 4 years. The healing process has been really rough at times but I'm getting through. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get past all the hurt and pain and things I went through as a result of his addictions. But, today when reading on SR I thought I'd go back through and read my old posts. I've been on here on and off for just over two years now. Reading my previous posts made me realise just how far I've come. I really owe a lot to this forum and I want to thank everyone who contributes to it and all the reassuring voices on here, especially those who have been here for a long time and continue to tirelessly post encouragement for newcomers.

When I finally ended things, there was no huge catalyst, argument or event that pushed me to do it. I lived with my ex partner, and leaving was very difficult. Our lives and friendship circles and families were enmeshed, and while I no longer was blinded by believing that he was my soul mate, he was still very important to me. He was my best friend. Leaving was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. And it doesn't end once you leave - it's an ongoing battle with yourself, week by week, day by day, and sometimes minute by minute.

One major feeling I've grappled with is the feeling of guilt that accompanied me throughout the relationship, and seemed to really get to me once I left. I felt guilty for leaving, and worried that once I leave he will hate me forever, he might use again, or he might even get with someone new, get clean and live a happy life without me and with someone else - the life that I so desperately fought for and used as a thought to keep myself afloat when everything felt unbearable. It made it harder that once he found out I was dating again, he blocked me from everything and removed me from his life. He's with someone else now. I saw a photo of them on social media, and they looked happy.

But, I don't feel jealous or guilty. I still hurt from old wounds, the lies, the abuse, covering things up. Sometimes I catch myself crying for no reason, like I can't quite pinpoint what it is I'm crying over but just knowing that I've been grieving something I'll never get closure for - not from him, anyway. And that's alright. I've learned to sit with these feelings, to let them wash over me. I let myself think about it sometimes, and I also think about the things he did to hurt me. The happy life I wanted was never going to come from being with him. I gave it my all, I gave way too much. He probably doesn't realise how much he hurt me or how much he took - how much I gave, but I'm alright with that too. It still hurts but I'm healing.

To anyone reading this who feels completely lost and blindsided - whether you've just realised your partner or ex partner was using, if you've only just started to understand the gravity of what's been going on, or if their behaviour has suddenly changed and you feel like you just don't recognise them - you're not alone. Maybe they've left you or maybe you're contemplating leaving them. It's easy for a lot of people on this forum to say "leave now", "go no contact" or "run away now and save yourself, you need to read up on codependence" - but sometimes this process can seem impossible when you're right in the midst of your world being turned upside down. It's the cycle of violence in action. It took me two years to finally leave my ex partner, from when I found out he was using. It was a long drawn out process that took a lot of planning, and actually, I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did. For some people it can take a lot longer. Equally so it takes a long time to heal and piece together the parts of yourself you have lost. But it does get easier.

Now, I still feel crap about it sometimes, but I don't torture myself over thinking about why the relationship ended. I know within myself that there's nothing more I could have done. He didn't respect my boundaries and he didn't respect me. And the simple fact is that it was never going to change. He might get clean and be happy with someone else or he might not. It's got nothing to do with me now. My decisions and relationships are my own to form and make, just like his. This is what gets me through those moments of panic or sadness. If anyone else can relate to this - I'm sorry you're hurting, but things will get better. Look after yourself, and remember that your life is in your control, no one else's, and your happiness does not have to depend on another person's decisions.