coffeespoon

I first found SR last year while looking for support in dealing with a family member's addiction. Reading everyone's posts helped give me hope and support during that time.

Now I am trying to face my own addiction. I have smoked marijuana daily for over 13 years, and all day every day for close to 5 years. In the past three months, I've cut down to one or two bowls a night. Now I'm trying to quit completely. Today is my first sober day.

I want to quit because weed has made me lethargic, unmotivated, and emotionally stunted and unavailable. I used it as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and depression I've dealt with all my life. For many years, it sort of worked, granting me mental distance from my worries and giving me the euphoric feeling I couldn't easily find on my own. Of course, using only made my actual problems worse, and also robbed me of the chance to grow emotionally. Eventually it stopped being fun, and just became a very expensive habit that wrecked my mental health and a lot of my relationships.

Recently when I've smoked I've started having panic attacks and anxiety. I believe this is my body and brain's way of telling me to step back and consider my choices. I tried to quit last year, but quickly gave that up when stress from family drama prompted me to retreat into my dark smoky cave again. Which of course led to another round of depression.

Now I find myself staring down 34, wondering where all the years went, where all my friends and dreams went, and why I feel so empty. Sadly, I know the answer is "into the pipe."

I've been working toward a new path for over a year. A year of getting off emotion-deadening prescription pills, a year of trying to exercise and meditate regularly, a year of attempting to resurrect old hobbies and find entertainment beyond the next bowl. That's actually been pretty successful, and I feel better than I have in a long time, which is giving me the motivation to take the next step and quit completely.

I know quitting will be difficult, partly because my partner is still a daily smoker, and partly because my identity and lifestyle have been wrapped up in this drug for a long, long time. Stress and plain ol' boredom are my biggest triggers. But I am hopeful that I am finally, after years of half-hearted attempts, ready to quit. I am actually looking forward to working the THC out of my system and giving sober life a try. I'm sure that will wear off as the withdrawal and sober reality sets in, but I'm braced for a long journey, and mindful of why and how I got here.

I appreciate everyone who posts here – it's been really helpful to read about others' journeys, and to feel like I'm less alone in my struggle. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, so I'm very grateful for SR. I'm posting this to force myself into accountability, and to let other people in similar situations know that the struggle is real and is shared by others. Let's walk a new path together.