This is going to be long, but PLEASE, PLEASE read and respond if you have experience applying spiritual principles to conflict. I have written, prayed, talked and listened for 6 weeks and I'm not getting any better with this:
Without going into a bunch of details from the past, which I don't want to type out or feel this moment, I'll describe the current problem. If you really want to understand the situation more fully, read my thread "Help me help him" from early September in the Relationships forum.
I fell in love with a man, L, and he has now betrayed me. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted another human being. Our relationship was supposed to be secret only temporarily, both of us telling only our closest friends and sponsors. It was the first time I ever felt "in love" and I believed we were meant to be together. At the time of our relationship, he was 5 years clean and I was almost 4. He broke up with me 7 months ago (explained in that previous post which I referenced) and since that time, I had hoped and prayed we would be together again someday.
ahead
Just over a month ago, I met up with his recent ex-gf, I'll call her P, at a campout. In conversation, we discovered that he is a lying, cheating ******* . L had lied to her and to everyone else, saying he and I never had a relationship. He had lied to me when he said he told his sponsor of the relationship and that it was his sponsor's idea to break up with me. He lied to P when they got back together, saying he had not had sex with anyone since he broke up with her the first time. He was calling her, crying, saying he couldn't live without her,etc, and they got back together while he was still seeing me. I could go on and on.... Anyway, L saw P and I talking at the campout and ever since then, he has been approaching people at my home group (where he is also a member) and telling them we never had a relationship, that I made it up and that I'm crazy. He even approached one of my sponsees and had her seriously uncertain who to trust, until I showed her proof of our relationship. People keep calling, telling me these things he's saying about me. A newcomer male told me a few nights ago that L warned him about me. Newcomers are avoiding me. Only the people who've been around long enough to really know me are treating me the same as they did before. There are only 2 of us women (with more than a year clean) who attend meetings more than once a week. The newcomer females don't need to be hearing things that cause them to distrust me. In that way, I believe L is affecting the group as a whole.
So far, I feel good about the way I have handled this on the outside (except that I've been too chicken to confront him), but it's a struggle every day to keep applying spiritual principles. I have not spread this stuff around, although I would like to. Many have asked me what's going on. Even 2 of L's sponsees have asked repeatedly and I won't tell them. I've shared it only with a few close friends in confidence. Some have said I should tell everyone what L did to me and P, to let everyone see just what a low-life he really is behind all that guru talk. I disagree. I have kept my mouth shut for a variety of reasons. For starters, since his pride is soooo important that he was willing to sacrifice our friendship, to sacrifice his friendship with P and let everyone think I'm a liar, he might not be able to handle it if the truth comes out. Although he has 6 years clean, works steps like bunnies breed and talks a fine talk, he periodically gets suicidal or starts thinking maybe recovery isn't worth the pain. I don't want to feel even a tiny bit responsible for his relapse or suicide. I figure he has a better chance of staying clean if he can deal with the reality of his actions in his own time. Secondly, his sponsees are going to be terribly hurt if they find out he has lied to them. Thirdly, I want to set a good example and do the right thing. I'm not entirely sure what that is (will explain more below), so I'm choosing to err on the side of caution and not take any actions that I'll be unable to undo later.
It has been over a month since P and I discovered all this. L has had all that time to make amends, but has only continued the behavior. What makes it even worse, is that he's intentionally doing things to make me uncomfortable. He sits right behind me (never sat there before all this) and makes sound effects every time I share and sometimes makes jokes after the meetings about what I shared. At first I thought he was directing the sound effects at me, but now I'm starting to think it's his way of impressing his buddies or further convincing them that I'm the one lying. He also seems to be making an extra effort in his sharing to talk about his honesty and his daily 10th step. Let me tell ya this recent example. It turned my stomach: A couple of weeks ago he picked up his 6yr keytag. After most of the members shared how wonderful L is, he shared. He talked about how he applies spiritual principles and tries to apply the program in all his affairs. He talked about honesty. But the real kicker was when he said he does a daily 10th step and that when he is wrong, he has to promptly admit it!!!
Maybe what I'm struggling with is a pride issue. My reputation is very important to me. I try hard to live the NA program. Although I realize I am powerless over what L does or what people believe, I desperately want to clear my name. I could do that. I have proof of our relationship, not much, but I have a few things saved from our time together. P isn't an issue. She knows beyond any doubt that I've told her the truth because I told her many, many things I could not have known unless I had a physical relationship with L. I want people to know that I did not make it up and that I'm not crazy!!!
A couple of friends say that if this is still bothering me so much (I start shaking uncontrollably every time he glares at me or makes intimidating noises when i share) that I should do what I need to do for myself, meaning to share the truth openly. I'm not so sure. Part of me thinks I should apply spiritual principles more to suppress my pride, taking my own inventory instead of his. The other part of me feels like I'm letting him run over me and that I should stand up for myself (passivity has kept self-esteem pretty low all my life and I'm just beginning to make progress with that). So how do I determine which of these is right?
I want to get past this clean. I'm following suggestions and trying so hard. I pray for L and I pray for myself, asking God to remove my obsession over all this and to help me get through it clean. I'm still in meetings about 5 times per week, although I get extremely nervous before, during and after when L's around. I regret allowing that relationship to be secret, although it was supposed to be temporary and the explanations L gave for that were understandable and I agreed. Now I feel like I was just L's toy and that he was playing a game all along. I trust no one now. I'm going through the motions, still in meetings and still sharing, but not having faith that I won't be betrayed this seriously by everyone else too. How can I ever feel safe and secure in a friendship or a romantic relationship again when the person I admired, respected and trusted most in this world could con me so easily? It hurts so badly and the anger is enormous.
So do I out him or keep stuffing this???