Hello, Mummy. It is horrifying, this feeling of being out of control, of not remembering what happened. The good news is you need never feel that way again. Make this your last day one and do what it takes to quit drink for good. I needed lots of help to get and stay sober and for me that included inpatient rehab and doing things that flew me far out of my comfort zone. I wish you all the best in making the rest of your life decent and sober for you and your children. It's so worth it and the beauty of a life you can only dream of is so, so close, very near--just don't drink, sweetie--you can do this!