So, I'm going to stop posting in this thread.
I've spent years and tens of thousands of posts talking about this stuff on Myfitnesspal (there is a forum on there, too.) Honestly, I've worked through this and don't want to jump back in to it again - I have an unconventional, Non 12-Step, Non food-abstinence system that works for my goals and for my particular life.
I have no desire to abstain and not eat certain foods and make it into some big thing that I don't feel like it needs to be. That just ramps up my anxiety and all-or-nothing perfectionist thinking. It's only food. I get good nutrition. I don't get extra points for eating a certain way once I've gotten my basic nutrition needs met.
I wish you all the very best.