Hey my lovelies, I am here, I just feel bad posting because I'm lightyears behind y'all (that sounds funny in an English accent).
I feel I have nothing to contribute of use. Since this thread started, I can see just how damaging this disorder is. I had no idea what I was up against. Now I'm seeing that it is indeed life or death. I feel like I'm dying after this latest binge actually.
I weighed myself. Weight up 3 pounds since yesterday. I normally don't weigh myself when I'm on the way up, but I thought if I forced myself to acknowledge what's happening to my body it would stop me. Couldn't find anything nice to wear that fits and took a photo of myself for the App in the hope it will encourage me. Trouble is that might work for normal people to motivate them. But for me. Oh so many tears. Weight is all round middle section.
Anyway, no breakfast today. I dread starting eating because then I know I won't stop. (I like the idea of protein for breakfast btw and wonder if I should do the continental thing and have cheese and meats and just give up on trying for cereals and milk). Anyway, so no breakfast, off to church ~ felt great, just lots of socialising, then Bam! I'm buying some 'essentials' in the supermarket and eating my whole calories for the day in sugar in the space of 10 minutes in the car on the way home.
Sorry guys. I hadn't realised that this is the alcohol all over again. Get a few hours or days or even a week and then Wham! off again. I wasn't like that with the alcohol, I guess I was so so ill at the end that it gave me a window of opportunity. I see that pattern in other people though, and now I'm doing that with the food. I guess I just didn't see this as so serious.
However, it is and today I had such a sense that the universe is suggesting I stop hurting myself like this, or it will step in and make me. Probably with diabetes or heart disease, or cancer.
And, boy did I have a mood change about 20 minutes after eating that sugar. I won't bore you with the details of the strop and now the moping and misery me! There is NO denying that the food is causing this. I am choosing to ruin my day. I was so happy before and now I literally feel like I am fighting for my life. My heart rate is up, it's difficult to breath, I feel like I'm made of lead. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It's me.
Also, it was like a trance before, like going in to a narrow tunnel where the focus is on getting food. I used to be like that with the drink. I'd go to the shop like a robot. People on this site saved my life when I started posting what I'd bought and what I was planning to do. Do I have to go to that length to stop the food?
Worse, I've been using myfitnesspal App, so I know afterwards what I've done. This is new behaviour for me. In the past I was either stacking on the pounds. And I can easily put on 10 pounds in a week. Half a stone in a weekend sometimes. Or I'm starving. I've never followed a diet as such. Eat for 5 people or starve it off.
I did scatter some ashes on Friday so there's unresolved pain under the surface. I don't know how to get at it. And if I have to be psychologically well before I can get free of the unhealthy eating cycle, then I'm DOOMED.
Sorry for that lot. Love Weev