A very deep question that goes right to the heart of my problem. It is easy to see now how my functioning level as a human being had been reduced to instinctual drives only. This fear (that an instinct might not be satisfied) drove very little decision, and was behind every little reaction to life. It is the most selfish way to live that I can imagine and it put me in constant conflict with the world. Either people were unhappy with my behaviour (external) or I was unhappy with theirs (internal). Most things did not fit with my unrealistic and selfish expectations, so I was constantly let down and unhappy. I am talking about my behaviour between drinks and it made sobriety a miserable experience. Other selfish attitudes like expediency and entitlement got me in trouble too.
Relieving me of the bondage of self seems to be a work in progress, in God's time. Everyday I realise I am still selfish, and pray He will take it away. On the otherhand I am grateful for what He has done so far. So many selfish attitudes and ideas have been removed or adjusted. I no longer steal or lie. I don't procrastinate, I mostly drive to the rules, I pay my bills, I have been able to live up to my sex ideals. There is a long list of behaviours that have changed for the better, yet I am a long way from being entirely free of self.
Ego, the false self, would be the main manifestation today. I have been learning that ego is the enemy of self esteem. When I get pushy and trample others to advance my own point of view, I don't feel good about myself. I have to make amends to those I hurt,and I have to do it quickly. That has a way of cutting me back down to size.
At the end of the day God uses us all. He can use me either as an example of what to do, or as an example of what not to do. I prefer the former.