VigilanceNow

Hi everyone. I was having a conversation with my boyfriend after a relapse a bit ago, and I'm wondering if anyone can share any thoughts on this subject.

It's well-established that I am one of those people who turns into a completely different person while under the influence; e.g. saying things I don't actually think/believe, doing things I would never otherwise do, and just generally forgetting everything about what I consider makes me, me. My boyfriend had the misfortune to witness this relapse after knowing I had been a long while sober, and he just could not comprehend why a sober me would walk into a liquor store, take money out, and purchase a bottle that I know is going to lead to disaster.

I don't understand it either. It's almost like an out-of-body experience; I'm telling myself this is a bad idea, and yet it's as if once the idea enters my mind, I can't think of anything else until I get some booze. I tried to explain the concept of AV to him, and he basically dismissed it as a copout and stupid excuse. I wasn't trying to justify it, but rather offer an explanation. I still haven't nailed down what exactly my triggers are, because to be honest when I was actively drinking all the time, there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to when I would do it.

So I'm wondering... what is everyone's response to this question: why and how does sober you go to the liquor store when I think we all know (since we are on this site) that drinking is a terrible idea? Any suggestions on how I can explain this to him without sounding like I'm trying to justify this action/make excuses for myself?

Thanks!!