Am I better than them?
Just over 5 weeks sober... managed to do it even after husband left me. Today I had to go to the drugstore to pick up prescription refill and I think good thing the drugstore doesn’t sell booze (not that I ever noticed) but dang it as soon as I leave the house my car has the “empty” light on... no idea if I can make the 10 minute drive without more gas so I stop at nearest gas station.
Been there before, cheapo place that half the time outdoor payment at pumps not working so have to go inside to pay... happened today. They sell beer, but I don’t think any hard liquor, I’ve never bought any booze there even when I was drinking a lot, I never drank beer plus this seemed to be type of place where hobos would buy booze.
Man is at the counter paying for a giant can of beer, woman with him has a large can of “4 Loko”, both from a fridge right by the cash register. They are paying in flipping change, counting out lots of nickels and pennies to pay for their stupid drinks...
It’s 99 degrees outside and this place has no AC... I’m frustrated these pathetic poor people are making me wait so long... the man is saying she’s buying a b**** drink... woman says something about it has more booze than his beer... I’m staring at the cans in fridge.. huh... 14% alcohol... vaguely recall ever hearing of this stuff... and the AV told my hands to grab two cans.... two nice cold drinks... felt great in my hands as I wait to pay.
I pay for gas and the cans and the cashier puts each can in a separate small brown paper bag... kinda puzzling me because I thought all stores in CA required you to use reusable bags or they ask if you want to buy a bag, but maybe that doesn’t apply to convenience stores... whatever... but why 2 separate bags, don’t they have larger ones and if not why bother bagging?
Walk out of the store and there is the man and woman... drinking their drinks with the bags folded down... they didn’t look as grubby as homeless might, but not well dressed (how I dress when at home and nobody is going to see me). But drinking in public... are they thinking passerby might assume they’re drinking Coca Cola in a brown paper bag? They must be trashy people I assume.
And there I am with TWO brown paper bags... feeling like a pathetic hobo and ashamed of myself.
Got in my car and drove to the drugstore then home, yes with the 2 cans in bags (I grew up “never waste anything” so even after feeling stuffed at meals would “clean my plate”... and yeah that might contribute to my alcoholic thoughts “there’s only 2 shots of vodka left in the bottle... may as well finish them off”).
Cans are sitting in my fridge right now... I am tempted to drink some and a couple days ago probably would have. I can’t bring myself to dump them and waste them... yet telling myself what happens if I drink any... there goes 5 weeks of proud sobriety... but... curious what these taste like... and what would it hurt to have one taste...
And I also wonder about that couple... not to be narcissistic but assume I am better than them... I never drink in public, certainly not out of a brown paper bag... I can afford more than a $3can of booze, why my husband would buy a bottle of scotch that cost over $200 and we’d split it in one night...
But I know I’m an alcoholic... are they alcoholics too.. or maybe they only drink a can a week because that’s all they can afford... and I’m thinking if that’s the case they probably are better than me.
Still don’t want to waste these by pouring down the drain... so I’m struggling to ignore them...