I'm having a burst of inspiration and I'm just going with it.....
I find it so hard to just be myself, to speak my mind and to not feel afraid all the time. All this obsessiveness is really a fear of making mistakes or upsetting people. I need to have a challenging conversation at work with another practitioner and the thought of it is making me physically ill. It doesn't need to be confrontational or even strained but I find it so difficult to say that I don't agree with what someone else is doing or that I think we need to change things. It makes me feel so inadequate and such a coward.
I come from a very academic and judgmental family, so I think that's partly it. I also felt very badly rejected for a long time, so that's partly it too.
I'm thirty seven. I want to be strong and I want to be able to speak my mind. I want to break through this cycle of thinking because it's driving me crazy and always has done. It an expression of my fear but I'm not sure how to trust and become less afraid. I know I can move past it but I'm finding it really hard just now.
I've had my first proper cravings this weekend and it was purely because I hated what was happening in my mind. I got stuck on something I thought I'd handled badly and it just went round and round for hours. I wanted it so badly to stop. That's my work.....I've avoid these feelings for so long that I need to learn how to manage them. I told my AV to sod off because I'm in charge now!
KRIS - you know, your post was exactly what I needed to hear. In the middle of all these feelings and all this confusion the one thing I know for sure is that I will never master this and be who I want to be/who I can be while I'm drinking. So it's using what I have and what I know. Learning the new things I need and sharing my struggles with people here I trust.
WORK, DETERMINATION, BELIEF......................I'm going to do this.
Thank you everyone
