Hey all,
Here's the situation.
My husband is still sober since March 12 of this year.
I have been seeking counseling (actual therapist), guidance through my church, as well as attending Al-Anon (though it is very hard to work out meeting times with my 3 littles).
My counselor gently suggested this week that I should have a "contingency plan" in place, should my husband end his sober period.
Because the binges always happen in the evening and therefore I feel trapped due to not being able to leave the situation (kids are sleeping, can't leave), the choices seem to be: 1) he leaves (call uber and drop him at a motel which happens to be next door to AA....HA!) If he is not cooperative with that option, my other option is to 2) Pack up the kids and head to grandma/grandpa for an adventure/sleepover.
I of course do not want to scoop my babies out of bed....but I'm prepared to follow through should this happen.
The counselor suggested that while I could just NOT tell my husband about this plan, it would be better to discuss it with him while he is sober. Transparency is good, I get that. If he has input into what should happen in a contingency plan, all the better since he will know ahead of time what will happen if he drinks. As a side note, counselor also warned me that his alcoholism is a symptom of his PTSD and until his PTSD is triggered, he's a "ticking time bomb". Now it appears to me that just the simple bringing up a contingency plan to him has triggered something. (counselor says in his case, it's a control thing.....so something making him feel like he's not in control of a situation could trigger.)
Well, I discussed it with him. He was calm but I could tell it was starting to scramble his brain , if that makes sense.
He agreed to the plan, but I started to hear things that were not logical.
The next morning, he searched the following things on his phone while at work: apartments, how to live in a minivan, local divorce attorneys, dad's rights, and jobs of his field in Florida.
Seriously, dude?
So, a complete overreaction.
(He has accountability software on his phone. That is how I know about this.)
I asked him if he was planning on leaving us.
Complete Derrrrrr I don't know what you're talking about response from him. So I asked him why he looked up what he did.
Huge overreaction from him. I even recorded the conversation on my phone so that I can go back and remind myself I'm not crazy.
To paraphrase, he should have a backup plan too, since I'm planning on removing him from the house.
Um, what? Dude. The only reason for me needing to activate my plan is IF you drink. So if you're not planning on drinking......there's no need for your so called "backup plan". He got very angry with me. (Sounds like he KNOWS he's going to drink again. )
Is that some crazy messed up way of thinking or what?
So now here's my dilemma. Sorry this got long.
Since my parents are part of the contingency plan, they should know about this situation so I don't possibly blindside them. It would be best if my husband were the one to tell them. This is coming from the therapist who says that if my husband tells them, it will help with trust in his relationship with them. (their trust in him) If I show up unannounced with the kids, they're going to have major trust issues with him.
Thing is, I don't know that he's in a mindset to be able to tell them now, judging by how upset he got with my asking him why he was looking at divorce lawyers and apartments.
So now.....tell my parents without him present or not tell my parents and hope that he tells them before something happens......
Thanks for listening.
