Noona, welcome to SR. I hope we cane give you some hope.
I don't believe for a second that you deliberately chose to put yourself in that position. You may think you made a choice to drink, seems logical, you bought it, you poured it, you drank it, but tell me this: Knowing what you knew before you took that fatal first drink, would any sane person make that choice, take that risk?
I don't believe you are bad or stupid, I think it is possible you are suffering from a serious illness called alcoholism, and have possibly progressed beyond the point where even the most powerful desire to stop, isnt enough.
That was the point I reached. Having made hundreds of genuine firm decisions to stop for good, and generally not able to carry through for more than a few days, I came to realise I had lost the power of choice in drink. Many tried to help, but I seemed to be hopeless. That was the point at which I turned to AA, the only place I knew who had a solution for those so hopeless they could no longer choose whether to drink or not.
Not many problem drinkers reach that point. In fact the ones that didn't are in the majority and theyoften make the mistake of assuming that because they could just decide not to drink and make that decision stick, you can too.
Well maybe you can, I don't know, but I know for someone like me, someone constantly telling me I can do something that I obviously cannot - just don't drink - is the greatest source if despair I have ever come across. Why can't I do that?
Yet I did find a way out, a way to put an end to the misery, and a way to live without alcohol that has been satisfying to say the least. PM me if I can help.