Last year at this time....
I was about 6 weeks into sobriety. I’d been struggling with major mood swings, a nonstop headache, sweats and dreams about my dead parents. The first month seemed like forever and even though my brain was healing, I had no real concept of what things would look like when they settled down. My prayers were survival prayers. I needed strength and endurance to get some time without self medicating with wine. My body was in pain and uncomfortable, but my soul was more exposed and it had no choice but to deal with the severe emotional pain from loss, disappointment and depression. I kept asking the Lord if I was just a waste of time. He said No, so I worked to stay sober. I felt like a waste of time and being, but knew I couldn’t trust my emotions.
I had to accept and in some ways continually convince myself that one drink was too many, it always turns into 10. No, it won’t be different this time. I will just be on day 1 again, so whatever it feels like or whatever lies my AV was screaming, I was always glad to crawl into bed, pull the covers up, and fall asleep. I knew when I went to bed, where I went to bed, how I got there and that I could start tomorrow off refreshed and unashamed of yesterday. That’s a relief. Every time!
No, no one cheered me on at home. I wasn’t a hero for staying sober, but I was able to be a good Dad. I finally decided to go see a Doctor about my depression. I had hoped it would lessen to a manageable level, but no such luck. Meds won’t make life happy, but they can help take some of the deep lows out of the emotional swings. That helped me to not sabotage or isolate so much. I found meds didn’t change how I felt about people or relationships, but I was more tolerant and less sensitive which usually lead to internal drama.
Today. My mood swings are manageable. I’m still sober. My AV still tries to get me to believe him from time to time, but it’s doable and my self esteem is much better. My prayers have changed some too. I now have the heart and capacity to pray for others, to feel compassion and not live in fear of falling down the alcoholic cliff every moment of each day.
It’s good to be here. It’s worth it more than I can say. Maybe I’ll fail someday, but today I’m closing my eyes sober. I hope you do too!