Lafightermama

My husband and I have been married 4 years in June and together 10 years.
I found out about his meth addiction a few weeks after our wedding.
He promised me he would quit. The next year I spent loving in a haze, desperately believing him when he said he wasn't using even though he would go out with his meth using friends and drug dealer.
He convinced me he was ready to quit and move on in our lives and start a family. So we did.
My pregnancy was overshadowed by hia addiction and lies. He would be gone every evening for hours after work hanging out with the same using friends (but "not" using with them). First time I kicked him out of our house, and we didn't even have a house! We were staying with my parents, in the middle of closing on our 1st home. I was 6 months pregnant and he didnt care to have anything to do with me until 11pm or later, when he would come home and be so wired he only wanted to have sex and stay up "hanging out with me".
When baby was born, he had barely slept in days and as i was having contractions he was passing out in the chair next to my bed. I had to have an emergency c section and he barely was present emotionally.
1st week home with baby and he was on paternity leave. He left me multiple times for 4 or more hours to play on his pool league with his meth dealer. He had promised me, after I begged and begged him to please stay home the entire 1st week and he said he would find a replacement for that week.
I was left at home, with a newborn, as a 1st time mom in incredible pain from the c section and bawling because he left me alone in our new home that hadnt gotten anything unpacked because he was never around to help and we moved in the week I was due (I delivered 1 week past my due date). After the 2nd week he came back on the 2nd night of pool, at 11:30pm and told me that his friend(the drug dealer) had mentioned to him that because i had a c section my vagina was unharmed and we could have sex. So he pressured me into having sex. It hurt, i was in pain from my stitches, my vagina was sore because the baby's head made it all the way down and was visible but wouldn't come out, i had been in labor for over 14 hours and then had a c section, and i felt horrible about myself feeling i was being used for sex.
We did it once more the following week before i finally stood my ground and told him i wasnt ready. He stopped trying to be physical with me after that, no hugs, holding hands, no cuddling, i didn't want kisses, but he kept trying to have sex and each time i would tell him I'm tired out something else. He would turn over in bed, very angry and huffy puffy and then grab the tablet and watch porn next to me and masturbate. That went on for weeks until i told him to stop, to which he stopped doing it in bed amd would go out to the living room and masturbate and then come back to bed.
That made me feel horrible about myself.
Everything seemed good for a while- mostly because i stopped paying as much attention and focused on our baby. I knew he was using, i thought just periodically but it turns out daily. I caught him smoking meth in our home on 3 separate occasions before our kid turned 1, each time i wad in the home with the baby in the next room. Each time he promised he would quit and get rid of the para.
I bought drug tests online, he hid them, told him to buy them so he does. We start doing tests and for a week or so seemed like things were getting better. Then i take one of the tests out to dip it into his pee and it comes out already displaying negative results. I open another, and the same thing. Can't be coincidence. I stop doing any tests feeling hopeless and entirely betrayed. I tell him he needs to get treatment. Nothing happens from that except he changes his phone number.
Our kids 1st bday passes and we're still in the same boat. I find out 2 weeks after it happened that he got fired from his teaching job. All his things from his desk and materials stuffed hidden in a cabinet in our garage. In the cabinet next to it, i find a pipe, a camera case empty but full of empty meth baggies at least 20-30 all with residue still on them.
I go inside and confront him about it. He makes up a story about how he got relieved of his duties for the remaining year because good contract wasnt renewed and how those baggies were from months ago.
A couple weeks after that i tell him i want a divorce i cant do this anymore. He guilts me into giving him the summer to work on things. May be starts 90 in 90 at NA. But his mood just wasnt what i expected for someone whi was withdrawing from meth after years of using and finally giving in to the program. He was cocky, know it all, boastful and not in the least bit struggling with anything. Seemed too good to be true. I asked him to leave and move out. He went too stay with his parents for a month but returned quickly after feeling I wasnt doing enough to try and ger back together. And i wasnt. My entire mood had shifted and I waa actually happy foe the 1st time in years. I was enjoying every second I had with my kid and not thinking about him at all. It was the biggest relief of my life. And i had come to understand and accept that divorce was the right option for me and our kid. I just needed more time to detach emotionally and figure out my.future plans. I had been a stay at home mom and didn't have any money saved up or job prospects. I went to a nurses aide class and got certified. I started looking for work.
Thats when he moved back in abruptly because he wanted to fix up the basement, sell the house and be done with me. I was okay with that, and moved out the very next day with my kid to my parents home.
Fast forward, Ive been at my parents 9 months.
He still hasnt started any treatments or counseling. He has admitted to a close friend, the longest hes gone without using was 5 days in the last 4 years. He has only seen his kid 2 times since february and the only stipulation has been that he start a min 30 day treatment and complete it or he could go to a company that does supervised visits and do that any time he requests.
I finally got tired of all this and the uncertainty.
It has been killing me to come to the decision to finally hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Ive been waiting and holding out hoping he would finally want to get clean and get his family back. But nothing thats happened has made him get help. During the summer we had filled out divorce paperwork and worked on terms and agreements together but we stopped working on the papers after realizing a lawyer would need to help draft what would happen with our mortgage and all the credit card debts we have and bills in collections. Our finances are completely trashed and we are barely making the mortgage payments. I was ao aure working on the papers would show him how serious I was about divorce. But it seems it really didn't do anything.
Now that I've finally filed. He is of course freaking out. Says his uncle will give hin $10000 so he can get a lawyer to represent him.
Im asking for full physical custody and shared legal custody but only until after hes done 90 days of treatment and stayed clean and continues to stay clean.(im deathly scared 90 days is not enough but idk what to do without arguing in court) ive alrwady used 2500$ in drafting up the complaints and my agreement. He is contesting everything but wants me tk negotiate with him, threatening me he will use the lawyer if he doesnt get his way. He is not willing to do drug testing past 90 days and after 1 year done completely. He wants supervised visits with his family starting immediately and overnights for holidays starting immediately. He wants to take the 1 good car and make me pay him the difference of the other car if I take it. He won't allow the sale of the home, but insists he wants my kid and I to live there and he'll pay the mortgage. He refuses to pay anything else, no child support or day care, cuz he is wanting to pay the 1300$ mortgage. I just want to sell and not be tied to him financially any longer.
I just don't know what to do. He has about 15 days left to answer the judgement otherwise it could be sent in as a default.
Im terrified we cant work it out- mostly because I dont want to back down on my parenting visitation schedules and time and also because I fear I will be left in a very horrible financial situation relying on him to pay our mortgage and because I have no more money left to pay the lawyer if anything is contested and we need to go to court. I am already borrowing 2500$ from a sibling to pay my lawyer back pay and finish filing if we can agree on something. Everything ive earned this year is already spent and i have no money. My family watches our kid while I work so im not paying daycare and they buy 90% of our groceries as well.
Im so stuck and terrifed i dont know how else to compromise with him without feeling Im putting our kid in harms way or feeling my finances will be so tight I wont qualify for food stamps or any other programs because him paying the mortgage will qualify as income for me and it'll put me over the limit. Im working as much as I can without paying a daycare but my parents are getting tired of watching our kid ao early in the day and then having to go to work themselves later in the evening.
Someone please help and give me words od wisdom or suggestions on how to make it through this divorce.
I feel im falling apart and cant be a good parent to my child because im so overwhelmed stressed and upset with my situation with their father. Im heartbroken this is where Im at. I never wanted a divorce but i don't see any other option any more. Please help!