Hi Quit, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my wife just over ten years ago, but as a recovered alcoholic it did not occur to me to drink. I did suffer from a range of powerful emotions and for a time thought I was going nuts. This was an experience I had never had before. I really thought I was losing it.
I went to a grief counsellor, who explained everything. What was happening with me was completely normal. I just had to go with the flow. Grief has a mind of its own and I just had to let it ride its course.
Your post just made me wonder if you might be medicating the grief. My housekeeper lost her husband around the same time. She was a bit like you, hardly ever drank anything prior to Bernie’s death. After he died she got into the wine and crashed the car, resulting in a drunk driving conviction. Then she somehow found herself in AA.
She doesn’t do AA anymore. She just went through a bad patch, and when she came out the other end, the drink problem had gone. She is back to hardly drinking at all. And the worst of the grief is behind her.