How do you know when someone is actually in recovery?
My RAH stopped drinking about a year ago, and started seeing a therapist every week. No AA or anything--he claimed he didn't want to go because it was a small town and he didn't want to embarrass his mother--but after talking to her, I think he just didn't want to embarrass himself.
Last summer was pretty good. I did everything I could to support him, and we bought a camping trailer to enjoy with our son for the summer.
Since he quit drinking he started isolating himself, which has only seemed to increase. He would go to bed and watch shows on his iPad every night around 6PM, even on the weekends. He wouldn't go anywhere with me and our son on the weekends unless I practically begged him. I enjoy going to new places and exploring, especially during the summer. It got to the point where if I asked him to watch a movie with me on a Friday night, he would decline. I mean talk about minimal effort involved on his part
I found out a couple months ago that he had been hiding (since maybe last August???) that he was taking xanax, adderall, sleeping pills, and had started smoking cigarettes. He even went to the extreme to have spy cameras (they looked like USB chargers) in certain places in the house so he could see where I was if he wanted to go have a cigarette at night. (as an aside, every time I mention the spy cameras he claims he bought them to watch our son, but I'm like... wouldn't you have shared that information with me, then? Like every other camera we've gotten to watch him?)
Anyway, after that, he ended up moving out about a month ago to a rental property his parents own. I went through this whole ordeal thinking somehow it was my fault. It was something I was doing that was making him not want to spend time with me--it was something I was doing that was making him hide things from me... But since he's been living alone, the isolating has only really gotten worse. He works from home more often. He barely speaks to his mother. I have had two of his best friends call me to check on him (which is a huge red flag, right?!). I guess he hasn't been talking to his friends either. He hasn't been going to therapy as much anymore.
He also hasn't been spending as much time with our son as I had anticipated, and it breaks my heart. He was out of town for work last week and has to travel again this week. Instead of hanging out with his son last weekend and catching a short flight on Monday morning, he took our camping trailer Saturday morning and drove to the location--saying he didn't want to deal with airports, people, etc. And was planning on camping on public land on his way there so he didn't have to see anyone.
This isn't normal, right? What is also weird is that he keeps complaining that his mother and I don't ask him how he is doing or give him compliments. I am working really hard to disentangle myself from him right now and the last thing I feel like doing is bending over to accommodate his feelings. Lately, he has been making small jabs at my physical appearance when we speak, insinuating I have a boyfriend, and has told me that a few people don't like me.
I cried at the therapists office for an hour before I had the guts to tell him that I didn't want him to move back in, I didn't want to go with him when he invited me to go to the museum with him and our son. Or that I didn't want to do mothers day brunch with him ( which I eventually caved and went to). That sounds stupid, but I am terrified of making him upset. After I told him that, he went home and I got a string of texts later about how I'm "missing part of the puzzle"--all the reasons he doesn't want to fight for our marriage anymore--but he says he wont tell me those reasons because he is a good person who doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings. Implying that I am mean for telling him all those things. And that there are things wrong with me that make him not love me. Anyway, whenever I express how I'm feeling, somehow I'm always wrong or mean or end up apologizing for it in the end.
Anyway, he doesn't appear to be in any sort of recovery to me, and even appears to be getting worse. I have no idea if he is using anything other than the adderall--which I don't think he needs--but he claims it helps him not drink. I thought he smelled a little hungover the other weekend, but I don't know. I'm assuming that if I think he is using something, he probably is. Have you guys ever been wrong?
There's still this voice inside me, although it is quieter than it has been in the past, that says "maybe you're not trying hard enough." "maybe if you are nicer to him, he will change" "maybe there's something wrong with you that you need to fix to make him happy" Maybe I'm looking for validation that this voice needs to shut up. I am continuing to moving along the path forward to making a life for myself and my son without him, though. Unless he shows me (with actions) that he is changing. But it's still hard.