and i thought i was doing so well.....sitting here last night minding my own business,and i get an im from mine. first time in months,that it was more than a one liner in a hurry kind of thing. which,i thought was what i wanted,and which i thought i could handle. for the first time,not in months,but years--actually having postive things to say about the things happening in his life. i was responding like any friend would....then he said his ex boss invited him to the boss' wifes surprise birthday party. (she was the one that hung all over him,told me i had to deal with it cuz she signed his check,and he would not stand up to her-feeling he couldnt for that reason) all of a sudden i was shaking all over,and my heart was pounding. said i had to go,after i said at least the boss didnt hold a grudge for him quiting,and signed off. but i sure was thinking about pmaslan's reply to savana!! because now i was filled with all kinds of emotions and confusion. why did i react like that? what is it with me that a few men i have broken up with seemed to do so much better in their lives when i wasnt around???? for a few hours after i was a damn basket case again--just doing too much thinkin.
not having any contact for the past few months,gave me a false security that i could handle being friends with him now,if it ever came to be. now,im not so sure.
which has also brought me back to another question/concern i have had being here. it kind of seems to me that in the case of husbands,wives--- and those who have lived together and have children together,the whole recovery program-here and at alanon-is a good thing...because they are still living with the person,or they still have to have contact because of the kids.....but when you were just a boyfriend/girlfriend maybe its really not such a good idea. because it doesnt able you to REALLY let go. has anyone else thought this,especially in the cases of what our relationships were?
well anyway,im better today....i know i need to not have the contact...it just aint gonna work for me yet, i sure dont want to go back to crawling as pmaslan said, its just not worth the mindfu*k it gives me for awhile !! but i also wonder why it does that to me,i mean lots of people seem to be able to deal with it...will i ever be able to? maybe i have fooled myself all these years and its just not in my personality to be friends with an ex.