E,
I am not going to guilt trip you. I know you have enough guilt going ma'am.
I will offer my experience with the compulsion to drink.
ime...I had to understand that I have caused brain damage by all the drinking I did.
In my mind, fun, sadness, anger, new years, the 4th of july, birthday...basically everything...included getting drunk.
My perceived ability to live life without booze didn't make sense. Until I learned that I had brain damage.
In my brain, there are pathways that are permanently damaged. Those paths are linked to my emotions. That is why the crave gets strong when things are good or bad.
Analysis is what gets me out of trouble. Analysis is what was altered when I drank. I would get that euphoria and suddenly have a solution for all my problems for a short time.
Add that to the physical addiction and next thing I had polished off half a bottle of whisky. Then I had to pay the piper with all the of side effects of detox etc.
My brain had to rewire around my damaged pathways. It takes months and years for this to occur. I still suffer.
The whole time, coming up on 9 months pure, I still crave, but not like I did for the entire first 6 months or so back in early 2015.
You see I even rationalized a slip after 12, and 14 months. I didn't get drunk, but he door to drinking was open. SR had to talk me down, otherwise I would have started drinking again.
So when I crave it is not weakness or a mystery. It is a scientific situation that is going to take a fairly long time to settle down.
While the crave settles, my AV will say and do anything to get me to drink. I have to suffer through.
I have to suffer to get well. If I don't suffer now, I will suffer more later.
Thanks.