I would personally go to the meeting and not tell him if that's possible. Can you say you're going to a friend's or something and have your friend cover for you? I will confess when I was still with my XRAH and he was actively drinking I 100% lied about where I was going when I went to meetings...and he wasn't abusive, but he was judgmental and would have annoyed me to death talking about how dumb it was so I didn't want the aggravation...normally lying of course isn't right but all the rules change when dealing with an active A spouse especially when they are emotionally abusive and scary.
I'd also call the DV hotline from a friend's phone if you think he's looking at your phone.....and yes they will definitely help you get a safe plan to leave.