Hi Looking forClues, so sorry for what brings you here.
Well, here are the clues:
He had been living in a major city out of the area for the past 10 years and just relocated back home to the suburban area we’re all from last September to be closer to family and because he was ready to settle down (he’s 39).
In alcoholic land this is called doing a geographical. Enough of this drinking (and in this case, time to settle down!). I will change where i'm living and get a fresh start. Problem being at the new area there is alcohol too and the alcoholic wants to drink.
He made it very clear from the beginning he’s ready to settle down, wants to do it with me, that I am the girl of his dreams and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have me.
This may well be true but unless you are willing to accept his drinking, it doesn't quite work.
Well, he came stumbling in the door around 2:30am and I heard him pour himself another drink in the kitchen before coming to bed. When he realized I was still awake waiting for him (I was worried), he just said “Oh no, baby! You’re awake?! You’re supposed to be asleep. Oh my God, you deserve so much better than this.”
And you do.
This is shoddy treatment, you do deserve better.
just wanted to try a “Dry January” to see how he felt. I was fully supportive, as I’m not a big drinker myself. He only made it 3 days w/o alcohol before the anxiety, sweats, irritability, cravings and insomnia set in big time. He had me stay with him to keep an eye on him, and half-joked that I might need to take him to the ER if it got really bad.
That actually wasn't a joke at all. Alcohol withdrawal is a serious business. The fact that he goes through withdrawal when he doesn't drink would indicate that he is addicted and an alcoholic, which he already knows.
He was still sweet and loving with me, but a very selfish side of him emerged. It became very much about his needs, his moods, his comfort.
How is it sweet and loving to be so selfish?
He said he was working but I later found out he’d gone binge drinking Saturday night with his brother and another guy and then he was hungover all day Sunday.
So lies as well.
On the bike ride we stopped at a couple places to eat/grab drinks and his mood quickly went from sunny and loving to irritable and as if he didn’t want to be there with me.
Alcoholics don't like to stop drinking once they have started.
he called me up Saturday morning to tell me not to waste my time coming up that evening because he just needed to do his own thing. He said he’s been wanting to do his own thing for awhile and that he can’t help how he feels
Translation: He wants to drink without feeling inhibited by having someone watch him drink that might judge him.
He texted the next morning to say can we meet Monday instead because he went to hang out with his scumbag buddy who lives an hour away. He hasn’t seen this guy the entire 6 months we’ve been together
Do you see a progression here since you met him? Sounds like he is just going back to what were probably his "old ways" which he was going to throw aside for his fresh start.
I guess I’m wondering - is this guy an alcoholic? Or just someone who likes to drink? How could someone flip like that? How could he be talking about the house we’re going to buy and “our kids” and all that stuff and then a week later say he just wants to do his own thing?
I would recommend you read up on alcoholism and get as much knowledge as you can.
P.S. He never drinks before 4 or 5pm (unless our to lunch at a restaurant) and he doesn’t get violent or have legal troubles and he’s been very successful in his career
This really doesn't mean anything. Alcoholism is progressive, he hasn't had any of these issues YET. Maybe he never will, maybe he's good at avoiding trouble, even when drunk. You don't have to be violent to be an alcoholic, violence is a separate issue. Don't have to live under a bridge or get DUIs.