Day 5 is over,
Txt mood - passive explanation of thoughts, not sad or happy, maby abit angry.
Today was different. I actually finally felt a ray of sunshine pop into my mind, and yet STILL doing that dam spontaneous breakdown every few hours. But i think that's started to ease as well.
And its been like this all day HAPPY extremely sad, HAPPY extremely sad - i only now feel ok because I had weights workout at the gym.
I am also having trouble falling asleep due to very disruptive thoughts.
so to put it bluntly honest - every time i close my eyes i can see my ex and her new bf having sex. and the same dam thought comes straight back when i wake up - at 4 am. which happens to be 11 pm where they are atm . and 11 pm usually means bedtime. So every time i wake up they are probably screwing......
i know its crazy thoughts, really crazy thoughts. i thought this too. BUT this was my thoughts in the morning, and as the day progressed i just stopped caring.
I even played that image in my head ( yes for some test torture) and i actually don't care. its still unpleasant, but its not as devastating .(finally)
I guess if it was some random person then fine, let it be. But since this guy was a presence in her txts in our relationship, it makes things ever so vengeful from my side.
note - after i saw these txts i lost all trust and started to move the relationship to the end no matter how much i didn't want too. That was my red line. Infact she probably beat me to it by choosing to do that, it means she must of been not happy with my alcoholism, but then again she fought hard for our relationship.
Anyway, once you see hidden messages people, dont be passive, start chopping. you will only respect yourself more.
Just to shed some light, this is a VERY VERY bad subject for me. 2 ex girlfriends in the past rubbed in my face that fact that they slept with people (after our breakup) upon reconciliation One even said "don't worry we used a condom" .....
Please note. i do have dignity, no way in HELL did I go back to those relationships, Not after that information, never. I would rather be alone and bitter then be together and bottling that information up pretending it never happened... just thank god this girl didn't say anything.
so these bedtime thoughts are just stemming from all those old wounds that still have lots of salt in them.
on a positive note. THANK GOD I STARTED THIS! I am so grateful I am at least 5 days away from day one. In the past, i have tackled every life issue with the bottle, this time I am tackling the loss of the relationship sober. The next extreme grief to feel, i believe is the death of a loved one. Which putting bluntly, will happen soon in our family.
And if I cant get through a break up sober, how the hell am i gonna cope with the rest of life's turns?
Tomorrow is day 6 and i am joining a hiking group at 6am.