Hey LG
Yeah, I relate. For me, however, I've been at this a while. So I'm always somewhat hesitant about making broad brush statements about my abstinence.
I have only been sober, this time, a bit over a year. That's nothing really. But today is everything, so there's that way of thinking too. That mindfulness that goes way beyond not drinking today....yes, that acceptance.
When I remove alcohol I'm left with a person that doesn't cope well. I have seen people like me, the ones that can't cope with life on life's terms, really struggle. I've also seen people who say things like 'I want to go back to the person I was before I started drinking' implying that they were relatively 'ok' prior to booze taking over. I've never been one of those people. So in other words, I'm really learning how to live life. Take away the booze, and I'm still emotionally crippled. I'm doing much better, I am grateful I have barely thought of drinking at all.
Recently I went to take care of my parents. Very stressful and sad. Then I came home to a 17 yr old daughter who is changing faster than I can wrap my head around (think 2 years old....except they are driving...and I don't mean she's behaving like a toddler...I just mean she is changing 'that' fast), a bunch of crap with my house...all involving money, etc etc. I was soooo agitated yesterday. In a way I haven't been for a long time. And I couldn't sort it. BUT what I have learned is that in these moments is where I grow. And that agitation had been building for a couple of weeks. Anyway, stay in the agitation. Accept it. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that alcohol will not work. Maybe that's the difference. It will not work. But I've thought that before I think.
So I'm babbling (what else is new?). But by last night, by some kind of miracle, a few of the petty annoyances had resolved. And even tho some of the 'big stuff' is still there, I felt relief. Life always works out. Feelings always change.
I don't know if that made any sense. I didn't sleep last night
