OP: I can only speak for point 3.
I am the alcoholic. It cost me my relationship and although I was ready to give alcohol up, it only changed because she left. I adored the girl and still do. She tried her best for me but in the end, it wasnt good for her to hang around for either of us. - She did what you are scared of, vanished. Disappeared after ending us - literally, final chat and that was it...
I would say to her "Im going to let you down" on the phone (when deployed) and become an emotional wreck. The whole time I was already letting her down just couldnt see it.
I couldnt see anything. I was lost in the haze of addiction and alcohol and her sticking around did no good to me. It took me a few weeks to really realise this but she left, I was devestated and I had two choices... Im soooooo proud and pleased of the one I took.
We havent spoken since and I miss her all the time. However, I know that I need to respect myself and her enough to leave her alone.
This man you are involved with needs to get sober, get sober for him and you need to let him do that. Dont make any deals about getting back in the future, because that will mean hes doing it for you.
I truly believe after a few months of being sober, therapy and meetings that everything happens for a reason. I dont like that at times and find it difficult coming to terms with but the reality is what it is.
I dont envy either of you but I can say with hard work and honesty, me - the addict, is in a much happier/healthier place.