Oh wow I just had a breakthrough...I think I sort of knew it was coming but my subconscious hadn't totally processed it. I just realized that my Mom had untreated PND (post natal depression).....these days there's less stigma with it and more people get help but in her day (and especially with her family) I imagine things were quite different.
When I first had my daughter I had a case of the baby blues for about 2-3 weeks....I went to the doctor right away when it started and he said it was normal as long as it went away (it did) and didn't intensify. It didn't intensify and I have since adjusted (lol well it's still hard but you know) to motherhood, my daughter is the love of my life
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Anyway all that led me to start reading about PND (I was curious and of course a bit paranoid)....and it just sort of hit me...my Mom had untreated PND...it makes perfect sense and some of the memories now make more sense. I remember being really little, I could sit but not get off the couch...my Mom fell asleep in a chair with her curlers in (not sure why I remember that detail) with a pot on the stove that caught fire...she didn't wake up as the house filled with smoke. the fire department came and put it out. I have no idea how old I was but I was so young I couldn't get off the couch (I'm not even sure I was old enough to be left there...). I always felt anxiety around her and things (even when she was nice) always felt ingenuous. I have lots of little memories like the hot water burning my head when she washed my hair...she was like off in space not paying attention as the water got warmer and warmer....and it always confused me so much because she wasn't an A or an addict of any kind but her behaviors were similar. She was also very controlling and had narcissistic characteristics (I wonder if this was a way to mask the depression....). I was always a prize to be bragged about (I had a way I had to behave or else I was an embarrassment)...but there was never an attachment or anything real.
Anyway it just hit me today - untreated PND....I looked it up and it can lead to no mother child attachment and a lifetime of depression.
I've been wondering all these years...I know the explanation isn't an excuse not at all but it somehow gives me more of a sense of closure and an ability to move forward better. It also gives me insight with my daughter....I have to be very aware of myself since I have this isn my family...so if i feel some depression or something coming I unlike her will treat it immediately (and I'm hoping it doesn't happen!!).
I have never felt so sure about something in my life....I just know in my soul it was untreated PND and depression behind my mom's actions...that combined with some narcissism made not so good (understatement) childhood and mother daughter relationship.
I think the reason this is all coming to me now is my HP letting me know so I can be the mom my mom never was.