I have never known greater pain than being a parent of an addict son. I have never been more challenged mentally, physically or spiritually, not even when experiencing the collapse of my marriage to someone I deeply loved!!!
A child is a different entity because not only are they actually from our body, but they literally could never have existed if we as parents did not nurture, protect, love, and care for them. We were once responsible for teaching them almost everything! We were told we had the greatest influence on them, so I know I thrived in my role to show my child the way of life. I LOVED being a parent and nurturing!
There will always come a time when our children will make bad decisions and we as parents and family are supposed to speak up and show them how to “Right the Wrong.”
It doesn't matter how old they are. They are still our child.
That is our job! Right?
….Until it isn't.
Because when our child is an addict and addiction is their illness: The Rules Change!
I know I fought this change. I still do!
When I first began to deny/ignore/fight this change is where my baffling, crazy-making behavior began.
I tried to use the old rules to solve this new problem.
I am new to my own recovery ( Nar-Anon/AlAnon etc.) so I do not claim to have answers or to have this process down. I am a work in progress.
I too know this struggle and fight it daily. The mental fights are a constant battle of what is helping and what is actually hurting. I have to constantly assess before I act or speak. It can be exhausting.
And yet, lately, this realization has also been my biggest “Ah Ha” moment.
I have come to realize that the rules of parenting change when your child is an addict.
So I am trying to learn the new rules.
I go to meetings and read here on SL, and listen to other parents whose children are in recovery, or not, and see the focus has shifted to us. I learn techniques of detaching with love etc.. I am learning that the parenting techniques that worked when they were sober such as Giving good advice, long heart-to-heart talks, punishment/rewards, do not always have the same effect as they did when my child was sober.
I HAVE to accept that: I cannot fix this, I cannot Control this, and I cannot Change this! That is a tall-task of change for a parent well versed in the old rules.
I have learned that even during the “Old Rules” days, I probably enabled some then too.
Sometimes I will hear/read things that rub me wrong. But I also know the saying, " Take what you need and leave the rest.” Yet, sometimes later, when I have come back and reread a post I have realized the reason it rubbed me the wrong way was because I wasn't ready to hear it. And that is okay too.
My own recovery is not supposed to be another place to beat myself up for doing one more wrong thing! I can only, "Do what I can do," for that day, sometimes for that hour, or even that minute, to work on my own recovery to sanity and serenity.
Today I am working on understanding that the New Rules take time to become the new normal.
I am thankful for the support I have found here!
