Sunflowerlife, When I say I have to stay disciplined I mean I have to get on my knees and say several prayers, then do my daily devotion book, and then meditate/do yoga each AM. I know those are small things in comparison to the price you pay for picking up a drink. I'm also BSing myself by glamourizing what my drinking would look like in my mind rather than reminding myself of what it really looks like in the end. I also mean having to make my amends and just getting in the middle of the boat of AA. I get a lot of social anxiety, so other than a few friends in the program, I pretty much hang around the edges of AA. I mean I go to a meeting every single day , call my sponsor, take a meeting to the detox every week, and greet at my home group. I love doing those things. I guess I’m just frustrated with the mediation and yoga. Last time I got relief really quickly by doing all of these things but this time that spiritual connection just isn’t there. During those 2 years I did get a lot of relief from the program. My life got really really good but I cut back on things towards the end and got involved with a guy which led to a relapse. When I first realized I was powerless over alcohol 4 years ago, I was angry for about a year. I’m not sure when the anger went away but it eventually did and I became one of those annoying people that said I was a grateful recovering alcoholic. Lol. I know the program works. I guess God has graced me throughout the past year with allowing that spiritual connection to come back within a month after a relapse. It’s been the same song, different verse all year long. I relapse, I get serious about my program, life gets good, and then I feel like I can cut back on things. I’m not unique in that. I feel like I’m echoing the story of every other person who has relapsed. I know drinking isn’t an option though which I guess is why I’m mad. I’m just not happy right now and want a way to check out for a little while rather than putting in the work. I guess I’m feeling entitled to constant peace and happiness without having to work for it. I’ve got to have faith that if I keep doing the next right thing then that peace will return. When you’re feeling ****** it makes you think you’ll always feel that way… but that’s not the case… I’ve got to act myself into right thinking. Sorry if that was discombobulated.