DesertEyes

How wonderful, and what an inspriing story you shared in just that one paragraph.

That is exactly what I went thru. Exactly.

Yes, exactly the same here.

You don't need to explain it to me, I used to get those too.

Well of course, having a child is a terrifying responsibility. You have no experience with being cared for as a child, no extended family to support you. I think the fact that you are scared shows that you have a solid understanding of the effort ahead of you and that you can use that fear to drive you to find guidance and support.

That is something only you can answer. I'll tell you what I did and how it worked for me.

I went to see a couple of therapist over the years and worked on these "repressed memories" very slowly. Baby steps, as they say in meetings. One issue at a time, not all at once.

For example, I had this partial memory of hiding under the bed when my father would go into a violent rage. I don't why I did that, he always found me. What would interrupt my sleep with weird dreams as an adult and give me a funny need to sweep out under the bed every single day were these feelings that I would never grow up to be like him. I would be opposite.

That feeling became a deep, powerful drive that I was not even aware of when I finally broke away from that toxic family. It was so powerful that I was completely enmeshed with being a work-aholic, extremly perfectionist and intolerant. It became a kind of "self medication" for me. Keeping my brain so focused on being the perfect empoloyee, the perfect husband, that I had no time to deal with those old issues.

The therapist helped me see that as a child that was a perfectly healthy reaction, but not so healthy as an adult. In fact, what I had become was the "opposite" of my father. Just as dysfunctional. Instead of being an irresponsible, undependable drunk I became a super-responsible, over-dependable work-aholic. Both extremes are bad. What I needed to find was not to be "opposite" to my father but to define my own level of balance where I could be a normally responsible person with a normal life.

Getting past that first issue was incredibly difficult. But once I figured it out all the rest of the issues came much easier. Some of them were painful, but not overwhelming.

Today I still have a much better life than ever before. Once I a while I still catch myself over-commiting to something, not taking enough time for self-care. But I can tell within minutes and get back on the balanced, healthy path.

Mike