Aeryn

Hi all,

I just had a daughter (via a miracle and a surrogate - long story involving leaving my XRAH, getting pre cancer, recovering from that, losing my fertility, getting one embryo via IVF and finding a surrogate). Anyway having her is bringing up strange childhood issues.

I have this sort of big unknown in my childhood. I know my dad was a quiet drinker (A or not an A not sure but definitely not the healthiest drinker) and my Mom well she was a mean narcissist.

I really have big holes of missing information regarding my childhood. And I have memories I can't explain that don't make sense. For example I have a vivid memory as a child (I was young maybe 4 or 5) of waking up at night, seeing my mom come out of my closet wearing my paint shirt (I wore it to finger paint it was a large shirt), going into my jewelry box (it was a pink barbie one) and stealing my fake jewelry. When I said her name she stared at me and said nothing, I started screaming and then she want back in the closet and my dad and her appeared at the door a few minutes later telling me it was a dream. It seems it had to be a dream but it seemed to real and it haunts me years later...it's strange. Then I have memories of the bad things of her telling the minister at church and his daughter I had "issues" and to "watch" me on the church trips. She did this to me a lot - she would tell other people and me I had issues and was "crazy"...she made me doubt everything. I remember her calling me a ***** when I went to one of those alcohol free clubs and danced with someone and I just overall remember feeling bad. I also have this odd memory of her washing my hair with really hot water as a young kid in the sink. Overall she really made me doubt myself.

I also have some chunks of ok memories like watching ice skating, making cookies and with my dad I have not as many memories but they are good ones. Shopping, playing softball, swimming etc.

But the overall continuity of my childhood is missing...just these weird chunks of memories. I don't remember much about school or life before the age of 14 or so (that's when my dad passed) other than those little chunks I mentioned. I thought of a few others like my cousin playing the flute at Christmas and me reading a book and my mom critically saying "Areyn always with her nose in a book".

I also get this weird feeling when I leave the hall light on to put my daughter to bed at night it's like a memory is trying to come but it can't. I can't explain it.

What I do know now that I have a daughter is I don't think my mom ever connected or attached to me (the attachment bond)....I've begun to wonder if she had PND or something else wrong...I know I never formed that bond with her...the one you are supposed to form with your primary caregiver.

Anyway the point of all this rambling is two fold:
- First I don't want to make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'm terrified....I'm doing all I can to make sure we develop that bond (she's 4 months) but sometimes I'm not sure I'm doing enough.

-Second....is it worth trying to see someone to remember all this stuff? Will knowing what really happened haunt me or hurt me more? Any opinions.....?

It's almost like I hate not knowing and not knowing or remembering is haunting me.

The thing is I was ready to let it go but it's all flooding back not that I have my daughter..

PS - My Mom passed in 2015 so this isn't about rebuilding with her it's just about feeling at peace with me.