Hi Sohard,
The next four sentences I’m going to write are actually your own from several days ago, and I’m using them because they seem to me to fit this circumstance.
I know you won't love my advice. Obviously feel free to ignore it. But since you asked for advice, I wanted to be honest with you about what I see in your words. I hope this helps.
This is the permanent abstinence based sub-forum. So, you’re posting on the right place when you “wonder” why you drank again while at the same time you state you were consciously pledged “I will never drink again.”
It is impossible to drink alcohol and at the same time know that you will never drink alcohol again.
So, the question arises, when did you “know” “I will never drink again” was a lie, and who was being lied to?
Well, putting alcohol in your mouth and swallowing it is not like scratching an itch. It is one of the MOST deliberate and thought out actions that the human mind and body can possibly engage in.
So, what were you telling yourself about your pledge at the moments before drinking?
Were you thinking about the time at which you made the pledge? If you HAD made the pledge you MUST have been thinking about it, in which case you would not have drank. You might have smelled the wine and poured it out and turned the glass upside down (see my avatar for a visual).
But you drank, so you must NOT have made the Big Plan pledge.
The next question is, when did you “know” that you had not made the pledge. That you must have, “ in fact(?)”, lied to yourself. Was it at the moment you made the pledge, the moment you drank, or at some moment in between?
This brings up another question. Is it possible to lie to yourself about NEVER AGAIN doing such a deliberate and thought out action that requires huge complexities of voluntary motor function (the type that takes millions of dollars of robotics expenditures to replicate in a machine)?
My answer to the second question is that you cannot lie to yourself. I’ve tried many times and can’t do it. (Try doing it right now and see if it works.)
My answer to the first question comes from simple deduction. You never pledged to permanent abstinence and you knew it all along.
Another simple truth arises - You can make the pledge “I will never drink again.” only ONCE in your lifetime.
And you can do it in the next five minutes.