**I always mean things should be presented in age-appropriate ways for each individual child, so I want to make sure that is stated upfront**
Originally Posted by
Sasha1972 
It's also challenging to find the right words for being honest, calm and non-stressed about the situation, knowing Kid takes emotional cues from me, even if she doesn't explicitly say so, without normalizing the situation TOO much - I don't want her to think that DUIs and psychotic breaks are normal and no big deal. She knows he's an alcoholic - I haven't used the words "mentally ill", but I have said that his behavior is not the kind of thing that healthy people do.
^^This is EXACTLY what I would say to HER Sasha.
DD - I don't know the right words for all of this & I am stumbling through this as surely as you are. I don't want you to think all of this is "normal" but I also don't want to minimize the importance of what we're dealing with because the reality is, we're going to be having these conversations for a long time.
If we wait around for the perfect words, perfect time, perfect setup we'll never have these conversations. It's not something we should strive to do perfectly anyway - we show pour children a LOT when we can show them our humility & the limits of our control/knowledge/whatever. That, more than anything, shows them that it's ok for THEM to fall down sometimes in life in the way they handle things too.
I've read it time & time again in various resources - tell your children whatever you want, they're going to do what you SHOW them, which is part of why this happens:
I have seen on SR time and again where adult children are estranged from their non-alcoholic parent or struggling with a really tough relationship because what seems to happen is the non-alcoholic parent takes part of the blame.
.... said as someone speaking from current life experience.