I can relate to what you're talking about with repeating the same crazy cycle over and over. For me it was drugs. Coming off for days at a time because I couldn't get any, then going back on and using it all up before having to come off again, and continuing to repeat that cycle. Whenever I was forced to come off a part of me kept saying how I couldn't manage this forever. It's harder to keep coming off and going back than to just get clean or keep using everyday. It messes with you mentally.
Good for you for coming back here. You should never be embarrassed or ashamed of previous posts or things you've done. It's a reminder of where you started and where you may be at now. Remembering the painful times is a good source of motivation to stay clean and sober. Often we only remember the good times, our addiction only wants to think about how good it felt to be under the influence. And we so conveniently turn a blind eye to the negative stuff. It isn't until you've a had some time in sobriety that you are able to identify just how negatively drugs or alcohol were affecting you because you can look at thinks with a clearer mind.