Originally Posted by
Westgirl 
Needing some strong vibes from SR folk tonight. AH has been blackout drunk for eight days of the month so far, and two nights ago it was as bad as ever. I am usually able to ignore him, or leave, or keep my cool until he finally really passes out, but not that night. I yelled and screamed and cussed, and of course it felt terrible to be that person. He moaned and wailed in bed for hours, and I screamed at him to shut up. It's the first time ever I really, really wanted to hurt someone. I didn't, but that feeling was awful. I got up the next morning resolved to never be that person again, especially to the man I love. I told him he had to move out for a period of time, get on a plane to friends or family, or I would start divorce proceedings. He didn't like any of those options and drank his way through another day, but today, complete change of heart. Went to the doc, saw his counselor, got some jobs lined up, and said he really was done this time and it will be so expensive for him to move out for a month, and he loves me (as I love him), blah blah blah... But not really because it's making me doubt my decision. But I know, in my heart, we need this. And if I didn't still love him it wouldn't be hard. I told him it's not just about the drinking; I need space, and room to breathe, and to feel like I can come home without dreading that he will be passed out on the floor drunk, like he has been the better part of six months. I've only asked for one month. I know I have to do it, for my battered heart and spirit. And I know it won't solve his alcoholism, I know I can't do that. But I can't stay on the same roller coaster with the huge loop, over and over without change. Thank you for "listening" stories and strength vibes appreciated.
Sending support your way!
Welcome to the posting side of SR. I went back to your Introduction post which I had not seen before and happy to see you have been building up pillars of support through therapy and alanon.
I remember the awful feeling I had when I realized my own emotions were out of control and I didn't like what I saw in myself. But the good thing is we both realized it. And I totally support your getting some space for the next month like you asked of him. Living with the chaos really got me to the point where I couldn't think clearly. Ive taken space a couple different times and it really helped me. While it may be expensive, some things cant be measured solely in terms of the financial cost. Trust your inner voice and remember this cycle has been going on for a while. I do find the saying "nothing changes, if nothing changes" helpful. It was hard for me to do certain things because of the love that I had for my husband. But truth be told, I was losing myself and my sober husband would not have wanted that for me.
Also, its positive he went to see his doctor, counselor, and lined up some jobs. Fingers crossed he will respect your request for space, and he will also use the next month to tackle his own issues.