So I had a week from HELL this week. I've been sober 125 days. Since then, there have obviously been good and tougher (I won't say "bad") moments. On the whole, this whole experience has been mind-blowing. I didn't realize before how I much I was just surviving, as opposed to actually living.
Anyway, a few months back I applied to a true dream job. Didn't think I'd get it. Prayed to get it. Got comfortable with not getting it. Etc. Anyway, I made it to the final round, and they called my present boss to see if I was still under "contract" because they wanted to hire me. Unfortunately, I am. I just last week signed a contract to continue to teach at my current job next year (2018-2019) because you are forced in my profession (education) to make this decision six months in advance, signing your life away for the next year and a half. It's very different from other professions, but anyone in the teaching world battles this unfair trap (there are rarely jobs to be gotten BEFORE contracts are due, because everyone signs, like I did, "just in case"). Anyway, it turns out I got my dream job in my dream location, but then just like that it slipped from fingers.
What was truly amazing ,though, was that I DIDN'T DRINK. On Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday as this was being delt with (my not getting the job and my also having to smooth the very choppy waters at my school for having sought another job while under contract).
I. Did. Not. Drink.
Now, a large part of me wanted to drink, but a much larger part realized how much WORSE that would make the situation. I'd be tired, hung over, anxiety ridden, starting at square zero. It would've made a horrible situation even more horrible. And anyway, the ONLY reason I was about to be offered the dream job was because I'd been sober and been able to go out there and get it. That will never happen again if I start drinking.
For those of you who practice AVRT, that's the "Big Plan" I use. It was interesting because less of my thoughts were on "I want to drink" and more of my thoughts were "Too bad I can't drink, but I made my Big Plan to not drink and to never change my mind so that's that." What started out as seeming like a joke to me (
you can change a plan, I'd once thought), now seemed firmly in cement. Permanent,
despite what I may want.
This has been quite a feat. Thank you all, most particularly for your help in the early days, although I know it's still the early days. To be over 4 months, though, is truly surreal. Something I never would've even hoped for because it would be as realistic as growing wings and learning to fly.
It's cool. When I bought my current apartment, I looked at the balcony overlooking the city and imagined many lovely nights drinking wine out there. But I did that only once in 5 years. It was easier/faster to sit on the couch closer to the fridge.
Now it's Spring out. I've been using my balcony every night, reading, chatting on the phone, living. Life it so much better when you're actually living it. THANK YOU!
