Checking
Hi SR, I've been on and off here for two years now and I just feel like I want to check in and need a little bit of wisdom/encouragement.
I was with an addict on and off for 4 years. Last year I'd had enough and I ended it, which was quite a drawn out process that took a lot of thinking and planning and determination. He'd generally spent all of last year clean and was following through with all the commitments he'd made to make our relationship "work". Then I moved away for a few months for a temporary job placement. I came home one weekend for a visit and the second I saw him I knew something was off. He stumbled, couldn't walk straight and his speech was slurred - he was holding flowers he'd got for me. He looked me in the eye and said he wasn't on anything. All the ****** feelings and memories came flooding back to me in an instant, and I got that familiar sick feeling of panic, worry and being lost. That lapse continued for a few weeks. He also got an STI while I was away somehow, but still swears black n blue that he never cheated on me. (I got checked, am good). I made the decision to end it and he moved out in December.
It's been 4 months and I've felt much lighter, have hardly worried about him or what he's doing (although I have to sometimes check myself for worrying if he's using), and have just generally felt free. Yesterday I found out he's moving on and has been with someone else, also has been heavily drinking and is back with his old crowd (all users), and I got caught by surprise with a rush of emotions and sick feelings. He sent me heaps of messages last night saying how much he misses me, feels like he's ruined the best thing that's happened to him and that he wishes he did everything right from the start. I feel so angry and upset and just a bit overwhelmed from it all, it feels like too little too late. I'm angry at him for highlighting all the things that were wrong with us and how he wishes he changed it all before it was too late, because he's aware of it all but couldn't be bothered putting in the effort for me and only now in hindsight he finally sees it all.
And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way. I remind myself every day to let go and accept, focus on myself, and let him be whoever he is and do whatever he's doing, with or without me. I've even been seeing someone, who is lovely and awesome, doesn't use and reminds me of what it's like to be treated properly. I know it's not my place and I have no right to feel jealous or upset, but that's just how feelings work hey. Hoping to feel better about all of this and continue reading around on these forums, and am thinking of maybe going to a local meeting. Any advice would be awesome, thanks