2kind4me......I would like to respond to one aspect of what you shared....because I was a single parent for a certain part of my life, too...between marriages...(lol). And...my two boys (and one girl) had only sporadic contact with their narcissistic biologic father. I was very concerned about the boys having good male role models....So, I know how you feel...
A couple of concepts h ad an impact on me...when I was exposed to them.
I once heard an interview by a leading family therapist....He said that one of the crucial factors in families t hat were not dysfunctional (there are no perfect families)...is that there were boundaries--such that there was no question about who the parents are and who the kids are. Firm, consistent boundaries. The parents are, clearly, in charge of the family. Clear rules for the kids and responsibilities for the children. He said that without this...the result would be insecure and bratty kids.
The other thing that I remember, so well...is fr o m a program that I (think) that Steve Harvey did...(it might have been Oprah)....The message was that it is important for single mothers to present strong, successful and compassionate male figures to their son's lives. It was suggested that it could, if possible, be family members, like grandfathers, uncles or much older cousins. But, also...cultural figures...Like, coaches, male teachers, or business leaders or community leaders that they can respect and emulate...or, maybe, scout leaders...or band leaders...and...I like this one---h aving them study and read about strong men...like reading biographies or autobiographies of important and strong men. The ma in point being---boys need good male figures to aspire to...no matter how nurturing and caring their mothers are...
Now..these message came to me after my boys were adults...(wouldn't you know)....but, my experience tells me that these messages are correct. fortunately, I don't think I did too badly, with mine...in most respects. At least, I sent them to camps , in the summer, and kept them in, at least, one sport... and, I asked the schools if they could have male teachers, when possible....
And, I did have them take as much (fair) responsibilities in the home as they could for their ages.
I am glad that they can, now, cook a meal and clean a house and attend to children and pets....and, treat women with respect.....
I happen to be a girl...and, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, growing up, as well as my uncles...I loved her fiercely...and, think about her every day...but...Holy Cow! She was strict...loving, but strict....I am grateful for that, now.....
The point was made, by the family therapist that it is not necessary for the parent to function as the "best friend" or the "coolest mother" in relation to the children....as the children don't need that...they make their own best friends from their peer group and, the mother doesn't need to be "cool"...she needs to be in the mother role....
2 kind4me....I am only talking about this in order to pass along these tips to you....and, fortunately, your boys are still young enough to apply them (if you wish to)...I know that it can be hard for single women to try to be both mother and father, also....
And, yeah...I do think it is very important for kids of both sexes to see their mother having goals and interests and activities of her own....