FireSprite

I wanted to circle back & thank you for this insight Dandylion.

I've kept this in the back of my mind & after last night, I'm pretty sure that this IS what is needed on my side of things.

My spidey senses were right-on that something was stirring under the surface of my FOO issues, so that's a positive part in all of this.

The details are unimportant but in a nutshell, my sister approached my BFF under the guise of being worried about me & being "supportive" but in reality, she was digging into stuff that is none of her business in a semi-gossipy & hugely judgmental way. And she put my best friend right in the middle of it, making her extremely uncomfortable.

We had a perfectly A-OK family dinner on Easter Sunday & by Monday they were apparently digging for dirt to drag into the streets because something "must be wrong with me" and they are suddenly concerned.

But no one has spoken to me OR to my husband, who is the easy target for their finger pointing. It's like the pot calling the kettle black & watching your bullies fight over who has more right to harass you. Except the sad part is that at least my husband is trying & failing where they arrogantly refuse to see the need to recover in any way for themselves. They are SO toxic at this point.

I've played everything back in my mind & the only thing that's happened is that I've stuck to my boundaries & more time has passed. The 3 of us in our little family were SO happy to have navigated that dinner like Recovery Rock Stars & talked about it before & after... how we avoided land mines, sidestepped drama & stayed on our own sides of everything.

They are tired of waiting for me to change back into that old version of myself & dive right back into codependent interactions with them. (not happening) Mom NEEDS this because it's the only relationship we have & Sis WANTS it so I can remove the pressure from her shoulders. For whatever reason they interpret all of my actions as me being Angry About Everything.

I've had AHA awarenesses pop up for me since Sunday too - about the ways I still allow my FOO issues to hold me back from success now, etc..... so whatever is triggering this stuff is happening on all sides of this equation.

It occurred to me as I was breaking down last night that this is likely IT for me - they are NEVER going to be healthy enough for us to have a quality relationship.

I need to grieve my FOO & give up the notion that maybe, just maybe, one day we can interact in a healthy way. The truth is that my mother would rather die than change.

It's the strangest, most untethered feeling to be grieving people & relationships that are still alive, but I think that's where I am. After I got past my initial blow up about this last night & came back to *these* realizations, tears just started free flowing without a bunch of sobbing & weeping - they just rose up inside & ran rivers down my cheeks, unprompted.

I had visits from my spirit animals - woodpecker & hawk - almost immediately afterward & it fed my soul a bit to have signs from my HP that staying true to MY path is serving me & that no one needs to understand that for it to be true & right for me. Pileated Woodpecker drummed a shamanic tune for me for about half an hour & that was soul soothing to say the least.

Something very big, very deep inside of me was finally released & Let Go.... today I feel like a half-dead carcass on the side of the road trying to fight off the vultures still picking away..... my logical side knows this will pass, my emo side is still all over the place.... and I'm waiting for that phone call/in person Intervention/whatever they are planning....... ugh.