When I first went to AA I didn't realise the importance of that serenity prayer at the end. Nowadays I think of it as what we wish for ourselves and each other as we go out into the world, and our lives, with heads that love to lead us down blind alleys of worry and anxiety.
We ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change
The courage to change the things we can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Unfounded worries, the ones that our head invents as a vaguely possible but awful tragedy do keep us lonely if we allow ourselves to live in them. Because no one (unless they too are an alcoholic or similar) is likely to understand why that worry is taking up so much of our headspace, and we know that. So it becomes a secret worry. And when we have secrets from our partners we're not going to be close to them. We become distant and lonely. And in our head those secret worries grow and grow and take over. That's one of the great things about having a sponsor. It means we can voice those crazy anxieties and they can help us decide if it's something that we need to choose to stop dwelling on (and yes, we can and do learn to do that over time) or if it's something that needs us to take some action - a docs appointment, a chat with our boss, or whatever would be the next small step that we should take to resolving a real problem.
Like the famous Mark Twain quote says, "I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened". (I've often wondered if he was an alcoholic). The thing is, when we let that worry grow and grow and take over our heads we actually feel the same trauma as if it really WAS happening. When I convince myself that my cat is showing signs of ill health and will likely die (alone and painfully) as soon as I pop to the shop) then that gives me the same worry and pain as if it is really going to happen (that was one that I treated myself to over several years - she did die eventually. In the vetinary surgery, peacefully in my arms at the ripe old age of 25 years). By the time she really did die I had put myself through the grief and guilt and trauma of it all hundreds of times. Yet she only died once. When we convince our self that our job in in jeopardy because we can't reach such and such a deadline - well, of course the worry itself is likely to affect our performance, and left to our own devices we can easily make a bad situation worse. I actually handed my notice in a couple of times because I was convinced that my boss was as disgusted with me as I was. She knew I was off and handed it straight back to me and both times managed to get me to talk through what was really worrying me - but I was pretty lucky there I reckon. Don't hand in your notice, please! Since working through the steps she definitely sees the difference in me, and says so.
Have you tried using that serenity prayer when the worries start? If not, that might be a plan. And find a way to talk to others about your worries before they take up too much head space. Often just saying them out loud will be enough to take the power out of them if they are unfounded and rootless. In meetings people may well have given you their phone number. That is the kind of thing that you can call for. And no, they won't think you're crazy. They'll just help you to decide how to manage that worry.
If there are certain times of day that you know are a struggle, then it might be worth reflecting on HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired). Certainly at the end of the day you could well be hungry. Perhaps you could pack an extra snack to eat about an hour before your journey home? (One of my friends is affectedreally badly by hunger as a trigger. If she's looking a bit wild, I'll always ask her when she last ate and try to steer her towards some food before we embark on any conversations). Tired is also likely to be there. And there may not be much you can do with that one other than be aware that it could be contributing to your state of mind, and be realky careful about the other triggers.
Commutes were very bad times for me pre-step work. They gave me too much dwelling time. In the end I bought a cheap little mp3 player and downloaded some of the AA speaker recordings so I could listen to them and get a little boost of AA when I most needed it. Could that be worth a try for you?
http://www.recoveryaudio.org You can search by step or by theme, or by speaker once you know the ones you like.
Another suggestion - and this is something a friend of mine did, not me myself - was to maybe have a little change around of the furniture so your home doesn't feel quite the same as when you used to come and sit THERE and have that drink. Only a subtle change, but she said it helped her.
Anyway. Stick with it. Things WILL get easier as time progresses. You're doing great. Remember, just because it's tough at times, it doesn't mean you're not getting better or that you're 'doing it wrong'. It just takes time.
Hugs to you.
BB