Originally Posted by
Eaglelizard 
Hi Buckley. In my experience, we start by moving away from the source of pain and suffering. We can only be motivated by fear and panic for so long, however. Like in war, boredom sets in and you start to miss the pain and fear a little bit. But as you know, that way lies perdition, so you have to find something good to move toward. Self love was a good start for me. I don't mean curling up in a warm blanket with a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but thinking about hey, what can I do that will enrich my life experience and give me back the self respect I once had? Just a thought.
And an important thought methinks. Yes. Replacement will be key.
One sentence jumped out at me this time "...because I am so self aware." I thought I was when I was drinking, and realized quickly (in the first 90 days) how UN self aware I had been - I'd been selfish and certainly dealt with the face to the world/what's really inside dichotomy many feel. My road to true self-awareness - here at 25 mo and change- has really (REALLY) gone deep and wide to actually "get it" and...get myself.
A lot of truth to this. More than once in recent days I've wondered if my self-proclaimed gift of self-awareness is just part of the narrative I've crafted over the years to get a pay off. It's so hard right now to see what parts of me are just the old bs and what parts are legit.
That is fast! I'm jealous. I think it was my third time being sober for more than 6 months when I figured out I might be the person I least understood.
Yes. I think if I'm really honest with myself the truth is I don't know jack.